Search This Blog

Friday, April 16, 2010

Back To Jess.

So Jess wrote me that email where he somewhat apologized and told me how much he "adores" me.  Does adoration include love and lustful arousal and contentment that he doesn't need anyone else?  I don't know.  Anyway, I got this quick text from him yesterday morning asking me if I had the chance to read that email.  What the fuck, I read it literally minutes after he sent it.  I guess with him he can get an email and let it sit for days before he reads it.  So, I wrote him back a response to that email. Here's what I wrote:


Thanks for your email.  In my head, I always believed that you felt that way, but what I wrote about yesterday was why is this happening more now then months ago when we met?

I know we have a decent connection and I also know that you sometimes get grouchy but the question in my mind, especially recently is why do you get so much more grouchy now then ever before, at least with me?   And if your answer is that you always have had periods of grouchy moods, then why do they seem more obvious now?  Why are you able to speak out and say the things you do at times and turn off at times where you never did that before back in August through November?

Is it true that when we first met and for a few months after meeting you were more enamored and infatuated and that kept you from outwardly showing me any negativity?  I just want to know if the erosion of behavior I see more evident now then ever is due to a normal course that your relationships  take or is it because of a lowered level of excitement on your part for me?

I want to be perfectly clear that there is no right or wrong answer and there is no good guy - bad guy scenario here.  I am not blaming you or me, but lately I have this strong desire to know why.  I'm concerned that without realizing why this is happening now more then before, will not resolve things.  Even if we don't find a resolution to the frequency of this, at least I want to know why?

I know how you feel about me -- but I just would like to know what happened to change everything.  Is it me?  Or is it you and how you now look at me?  Are you discontent at times?  Are you frustrated that you are not at a different place with a different person?   The signals I have interpreted thus far are because of how you feel towards me, whether you are aware of it or not.

I really like that you wrote how you feel about me but don't we both need to know why this is happening so much now when it didn't before?

I wrote this email fast so forgive me if its a messy mumbo jumbo of thoughts.


The guy has not responded back yet.  Last night at around 8:30 pm as he was heading home from his massage (yes he got a 90 minute, $80.00 massage (really cheap) from a woman who he said was part of his chiropractic deal.  He paid his chiropractor (a hot bald guy - so he says - by the way) and the massage is supposed to be a perk included by this female masseuse who is part of his team.  He ended up paying anyway.  We spoke for 30 minutes and didn't discuss a thing about anything going on between us.  We spoke mostly about his apt. and the new closet that I have been writing about that his maintenance crew where he lives is installing.   No further communication, calls or texts last night!  I tried to call him back, making the effort and letting him know that I was reaching out to him but he must have been asleep already by 11:30pm.  That 90 minute massage must have been great.  Wanted to see if we were going to see one another this weekend.

No comments: