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Friday, April 30, 2010

Breaking Up With Jess

Here we go again, but this time is a little bit different.  Was at Jess's last night.  Went for dinner to some new gourmet pizza place.  It was good pizza and good to be with Jess.

But, Jess wasn't in a great mood again.  He warned me ahead of meeting up that he was again, as he puts it, in a "grouchy" mood.  I could see that something was wrong.  He is having a small dinner party tonight (Friday) at his apartment and he wanted to clean the place up a bit.  He told me about the dinner party a week or two ago.  He never really invited me to it, it was more of, "you wouldn't want to come but you can come if you want to.

After we cleaned his place, he made a comment that immediately, shot right to my brain, as a "whats that mean?" comment.  He told me that he didn't want me to help him clean up the place if it was going to make me feel "used".  That, with his mood, and all the shit that we have been dealing with together meant something.  After cleaning, we watched Hurt Locker.  It was good.  Not as brutal and sad as I expected.  Jess and I sat on opposite ends of the sofa, bearly communicating, never touching.

After the movie was over, at around 10:50pm.  I could see that Jess was deep in thought.  He said he was tired and he wanted to go to sleep.  I asked him if he wanted me to leave.  He said yes!

I started to leave, he began brushing his teeth.  I just said good night and left, he said the same, goodnight.  I walked away feeling empty, sad and alone, again.  I turned and came back, rang his bell and he answered.  That led to a two hour sad conversation between us.  Jess wants to be friends, if I can be that.  He doesn't think I am the right person for him.  He loves me but he feels he needs to move on.  He wants me in his life, as what, he is not sure.  He is confused but has this feeling that he can't love or be involved with anyone and that includes me.  The conversation was hard, probably the hardest I've ever had with Jess.  He cried a bit.  Fuck, why is this happening with us!  I don't want it to end!

It was really difficult to realize and hear everything that I had till now been thinking.  Jess has been sending me signals for weeks, maybe for months that he doesn't feel the same way about me as he used to.  The magic, the excitement, the lust, the wanting to be with me is all but gone.

After the conversation, I got up and left.  We kissed goodbye.  His eyes were swollen and red and full of tears.  As I walked out the door, I turned around and he was still standing in the door.  I looked at him and he smiled and said, "I'll text you tomorrow".


Sebastian Fox said...

This was really well-written, brutally open, and incredibly painful to read. Break ups are the worst.

Keep your chin up!

My Big Itch said...

Thanks Sebastian, sometimes I wonder if I speak too freely and without enough self censorship. But that wouldn't be why I wrote this blog, so I guess it all hangs out. Please keep following.