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Monday, May 10, 2010

Jess's Pain Is My Pain. I'm Just As Fucked Up As He Is!

Here is an email from Jess which I received at 11:15am this morning (Monday).  How do I proceed?  What should I do?

Anyone who reads my blog knows that it is brutally honest and I hold nothing back.  When I first decided to write this blog, I did so because I knew and know that I have a lot of things going on in my life that I need to work on and deal with and make right.  I have no one really that I can talk to (except Jess) but most of this is about him.  I have no idea how and why we fall in love and why things in life can't be simple and happy and uncomplicated.  Anyway, I am beginning to ramble here.  I put emails and texts from Jess in my blog because they are significant to me and they allow me to be honest and who I really am, down deep inside.  I love this guy more then anything.  Click on the link after the jump to read today's sad, heartbreaking email from Jess.

Hey Steve -

The last two days have been incredibly difficult. Would you believe that the muscles in my forehead are sore from crying!? That has never happened to me before. But the last few days have been really important.

I have to get healthy and I have to do something about it, like find someone good to talk to. That dissatisfaction you feel in me is my unwillingness/fear of making a decision this significant.  I'm so claustrophobic that the idea of being trapped by anything - even something I love - paralyzes me. What that means is that I unfairly expect the person I'm with to get that and be OK with it. That's asking a lot of someone and I actually don't think it is fair for me to ask that of you. I think that feeling of claustrophobia would pass in time, but I'm slow and it might take a lot of time.

You have given me so much. Your efforts broke through to me and made me see and consider things I'd never considered before. But it came at a great expense to you. I think it took so much effort that it may have broken something in you. I don't want to do that to you and I know that there is something extremely powerful in you that doesn't want to do that to yourself, either.

I can't ask you to hang on. But I want to. I can't ask you wait. But I want to do that, too. The desire you sense in me for other guys has nothing to do with an emotional interest. It is something else. And I don't think it is healthy. My need for money that you've talked about is related to the same fear of being trapped. I don't want to have millions. I want to be comfortable and not have to stress about finances - ever. 

I love you, Steve. I want to do what's best for you but I want to be sure that any decision we make is healthy for both of us. You deserve a guy who sees only you. I want to be that guy, but I'm just not there yet. I still have a lot of crap to get through. And you need to sever some of your attachment to me and put it back where it belongs: in you. Love yourself first. Your inner strength and selflessness is one of the things I love about you.

Ellen wants to throw a party for me tomorrow night. I hope you will come. If there is one person in this world that I want the world to meet, it is you.

I love you and I'm so sorry about the pain. I wish I could take it away, too. But this is a good time for us to critically look at what is going on and figure things out. You more than deserve to be happy.

I love love love love you.

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