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Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Oliver Is Coming To Town To Visit Jess Tomorrow!

Some of you might be wondering what is going on with me and Jess today, Wednesday, May 19th. He and I spoke last night and I tried my best to come across as "fine", but we all know that I'm not. I've been trying my best to realize that Jess obviously loves me but part of me thinks he is so fucked up that he has no clue as to what he wants. He is so confused that what he wants changes daily, perhaps hourly.

Last night, I told you that I got the vibe that Jess was the sad one. We didn't talk about "us" or about this weekend with Oliver coming to town (Jess already knows how I feel about that and there is no reason to go down that road again - besides, going down that road will make me feel that Jess will think that I'm not on the mend and trying to move on). So the vibe I got last night on the phone was that Jess didn't want to move on. He says he loves me a lot and tells me that he misses me a lot. I've decided not to say it back, at least not excessively and definitely not first. Click on the jump to read more.

Apparently Jess was getting a new Blackberry issued at work today. I didn't know that until he sent me an email at 2:30pm to tell me. All he had with him was his iPhone and last week when Jess told me that Oliver was coming this week to visit and stay with him, I childishly deleted my telephone number from his iPhone.  Jess is cheap and rarely uses his iPhone for calls or texts and only uses it for the apps.  He uses his blackberry for calls and texts. So he send me an email and tells me that the reason he hadn't contacted me earlier today with a text, etc was that he didn't have my number in his iPhone because "someone" deleted it.  I responded by email with a friendly but pretty routine email, mostly responding to what he had told me about his day.

So, tonight is the night before Oliver is coming to town. Its been over nine months since Jess and Oliver have been together. Am I scared? No, not scared but nervous as to whether their connection after all this time and after Jess has been with me will be strong, stronger or weaker. I'm concerned and saddened because I know Jess and Oliver will have sex, probably numerous times. I'm worried about that but the truth is that it is what it is and what will happen is going to happen. I'm sure one way or another Jess will tell me after Oliver leaves. Hey, there is a possibility he won't. I won't ask. This will be the first (or second or third) time Jess has had sex with someone other then me in the past nine months. Will his head explode from excitement? Will he love sex with Oliver (who represents someone other then me and perhaps in Jess's mind also represents sexual freedom and the sexual excitement he so often talks about needing) and might that open the door for Jess wanting more sex from more people? Will he and Oliver re-ignite their relationship from before Jess and I met. Will Jess fall in love all over again with Oliver this weekend? And how will Oliver feel about Jess? Will he push Jess back into a long distance relationship like when they first met or will Jess not need a push, happily going for it of his own choosing?

Maybe, just maybe, something else will happen. Maybe Jess will realize after spending five days with Oliver at his apartment and in his bed that he really wants to be with me. That he really misses me and can't stop thinking about me! Am I being naive and stupid or just ridiculous and overly hopeful? If Jess sends me texts and emails me often while Oliver is here then I may think that. If I don't hear at all from Jess from Thursday to Monday, I may just resign myself to the fact that Jess is getting laid and falling in love or at the very least, loving his new found freedom away from me!

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