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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

My New Attitude. Is It A New Attitude Or Just A Good Day?

Jess and I played phone tag today. He called me twice and I called him back twice. Every time we both got one another's voice mail.  I kept my messages, upbeat, friendly and brief. I think a lot of the comments I have read from some of my blog followers have helped me to realize that I need to be strong and understand what is going on here and regain my dignity. I have come to the conclusion that if Jess doesn't want me or isn't interested in me anymore, well then so be it. Of course I am going to be sad and down but I have my life to live. I also no longer want Jess to see how he is making me suffer. I think watching me suffer and wallowing in self-pity and depression is bad and empowers him to do nothing different because he knows I will be there if and when he is ready for me. Well fuck that! I can be privately sad and publicly (in front of Jess as well) get on with my life! Is it a new strategy? Well, to be honest, it might be, but what is starting out as a new strategy is somewhat making me feel a little bit better. Read more after the jump below.

Anyway, Jess finally called again and this time we spoke on the phone. I was happy to hear him and I was in a good mood. I was upbeat and even Jess commented that I sounded good. I guess he was expecting me to be sad, despondent and wishing for me and him to be together. Well, bullshit for that! I didn't once discuss "us". Jess actually sounded kind of down and he told me that he missed me a little, then he stammered and corrected himself and said a lot. He then told me that it's been so long since he has seen me! What is he talking about. It is only Tuesday night and we hung out together all day Sunday. He better get used to it because I have no plans or desire to hang out with him Wednesday night, the evening before Oliver comes to town! And I'm certainly not got to see him while Oliver is in town (till next Monday). So if he thinks he misses me now and hasn't seen me in a while (just two days so far), then he better get used to it (and so should I) because he (and I) have a lot more days to go. Do I want to see Jess?  Of course I do! But I can't see him now, especially with his "ex" coming to town.

Moving along, Jess, out of the clear blue asks me if he could help me renovate my place still when I am ready to do it.  I told him sure. We had talked about doing it months ago but nothing has been discussed in depth or seriously since. Not sure why he brings it up now. Is he trying to connect or bond?

I told him that I was busy with work, gym, friends, going to take a course, etc. I even thanked him for calling me and told him it was good talking and we will talk soon. He seemed as if he didn't want to say goodnight and hangup. So that was my cue to say it. He hesitated, said goodbye and hung up.

I just want to be clear that I am not playing games with him. I am trying my best to move on in my head. Am I moving on totally? No, but I am trying to be healthy and realize that I can't force Jess to do anything he doesn't want. Now I am going to be sure that I come across as "all right" and moving on with my life regardless. This is a thought process that I need to adopt so that I am happier, maybe not totally happy but at least not miserable. Also, who can relate and love and want to be with a person who is "pathetically sad and depressed and down and out" all the time. Most likely no one and especially not Jess and even double especially not me. I chose to keep much of my sadness either here on my blog (sorry guys, you aren't going to get off that easy) or in my head and heart where no one can see it.

Oh and maybe Jess thought I was going to complain and be sad and depressed over the fact that Oliver is coming to town on Thursday and shacking up with him till Monday. Do I care? Fuck yes but Jess is not going to hear that from me any more at all.  I think he was disappointed that I didn't even bring it up, not even a word about Oliver or his plans or my plans for the weekend. Not a fucking word.

Good night everyone. Good night Jess, I love you a whole lot! I know that you know that!


Geoff said...

New attitudes begin with one good's a process, not an on/off switch! Enjoy your good days and don't beat yourself up over the lessthangoods!

Anonymous said...

BRAVO man ........... I am proud of you. xoxox from CA