I am overcome with sadness as I think back on Jess and what he meant to me and what I must have done to cause him to ignore me and block me totally from his life. The news that he is moving away, far away, from NYC in weeks has made me fall even deeper into my sadness, knowing that any chance of any communication with Jess is now gone. My friend Mary, who I met originally from Jess (she is Jess's friend) gave me the news that he is leaving and has tried her limited best to broker peace between us before eventually giving up last February. I wrote her this e-mail this morning. It was my heart bleeding and hurting as I just needed to write it down and send it to her. She already knows how I feel but again, I needed to scream how I feel to the world. Maybe Jess will hear - I highly doubt it and if he does hear. . . he won't care.
My e-mail sent to Mary this morning:
I want to tell him how much he made a huge mark in my life -- but I'm not allowed to write him. I want to tell him that I trusted him and respected him and cared about him so much that just knowing him filled me with happiness and excitement and love -- but I'm not allowed to call him ever. I want to tell him that being ignored and forgotten and forbidden to ever see or speak or contact him has been the biggest heartbreak and sadness and pain in my life -- but I am not allowed to even communicate one word to him, ever again. I want to wish him the happiest of birthdays as he turns 40 and tell him that I think he is one of the most worthwhile people I have ever met -- but I am not allowed to contact him. I want to tell him to enjoy his life and be happy and healthy forever -- but I am forbidden to do that. I want to tell him that one day I hope to see him again; sometime before I am old and gray and feeble and broken -- but I am not allowed to do anything. I continue to respect his wishes never to contact him. But I want to tell him that I loved him very much - still do - and always will --- but I am forbidden to do that.