Mary told me the other day that she spoke with Jess in his office the other day. (She actually told me this the day the conversation took place). She said that Jess for no reason at all brought up the discussion about himself saying that he was most likely destined to be alone because he feels he is not able to be in a relationship. He told her that just when he feels that someone is "the one", another part of him pulls back and says "no, this isn't going to work for me.". Was he trying to tell her something about maybe me? Was he trying to say that he is so fucked up that at 40 years of age he is throwing in the towel and confirming that he is so damaged by something from his past that he cannot be happy being in a relationship with another person? Is this why you ran from me Jess? There is no reason why we couldn't have made it work and even now, there is no reason why we couldn't have been in one another's life still - as friends.
One last thing. Mary also told Jess (in that same conversation) that she felt horrible that she knows that he is leaving the country for a new work position in 6 weeks. (Remember, he told her that he was close to accepting an offer to head to Europe for a few years.) Well, Jess said to Mary, "Why are you stressed about that? You have no reason to be." She told him that she feels so awful that he is going to leave and I (meaning me) won't know. He further replied "did you tell him?" She said, "No, not yet." He then said, "Well, as of right now I may not even be going." When Mary told me this, I was ecstatic, thrilled, overjoyed! I may have more time to reconcile a friendship with him. But I also may now have more time to simmer and cook and bake in my own horrible aching sadness about a situation which I can't seem to move on from. Perhaps in the long-run, Jess moving away for good, as painful and further heartbreaking as that may or may have been, might be the necessary step for me to endure to finally heal or start to heal.
Jess's birthday is this Wednesday. There is a party which he is making for himself apparently at a small downtown restaurant here in the city. According to Mary, it is a small gathering for a sit-down dinner for 10. I wish I was there - I mean its for Jess's 40th birthday! I am not going to send a card, or an email or a text or a gift. I will do nothing but, if you've ever seen the I Love Lucy show, Lucy just has to do something. In my case, I have to do something understated and hopefully classy and elegant that can satisfy my hearts ache. I want to do something, and again, I say very understated without grandstanding, for my best friends 40th birthday. Stay tuned - there is more to come.
Happy Saturday all!