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Sunday, October 23, 2011

Sunday Morning Shouldn't Be For Over-thinking Things!

It's 10:05 A.M. Sunday morning. I finally got into bed at almost 2:00 A.M. this morning, but not before setting my alarm clock to wake me up at 9:00 A.M. Although I had no where special to go that early, I just didn't want to waste a beautiful autumn morning asleep in bed with the shades drawn. So, I slept okay; I didn't really wake up often as I usually do, but I could tell, I was dreaming a lot. It actually keep my brain thinking way too much so not sure if I got a restful nights sleep. I awoke at 8:45 A.M. and stayed in bed till the alarm went off; that last 15 minutes seemed like forever!

Right now I'm sitting here at my computer with TV Land re-runs of the Andy Griffith Show playing in the background. I'm downing my third cup of coffee as I watch people I've never met who I pretend to be friends with pop on-and-off my Skype screen. Yes, I sometimes open Skype for the fun of it or for how do they say... shits and giggles? I'm invisible on there now so the calls are not coming in. You know the calls; the ones that start off with "hi stud" or "C2C" or "what's up sexy". Instead I am staring at my Facebook page for no particular reason - kind of daydreaming. So I thought it was a good time to write what I'm thinking instead of keeping it stored up in my brain.

My "so-called friend" Jake finally got around to write me this morning. Jake is guy I met online who I explained here in my blog that he is married with two small babies at home. We've never met since he lives in Upstate New York, almost 6 or so hours away. He's gay but has lived a somewhat similar tortured life. Only difference is he's younger, better looking, he got married and had kids, and I actually feel that more people love and respect him than they do me. I know I'm not supposed to compare myself to anyone but fuck-it, I do! Don't we all?! Long-story-short, about a month or so ago he "came-out" to his wife and his and her family. He did it with such matter-of-fact committed determination that he left no stone unturned. Why can't I do that? I know why I can't do that - and the reason is because he's younger, better looking, he got married and had kids, and I actually feel that more people love and respect him than they do me. I sincerely liked him as a friend and in the beginning when we met. Eventually, I began to feel like I was his confidant and his adviser. I'm really not complaining. As many of you who already know from reading my blog, I actually like doing that for people I care about. It became pretty obvious to me after a few weeks of knowing Jake that he didn't feel the same way about me. Yes, we exchanged names, telephone numbers (which, by the way, we've only spoken on the phone once since), and are even Facebook friends. Facebook? Wow, with a guy I hadn't met and who I've listen to spill his guts and who knows similar scandals about me? That's trust - that's his impression of it as well as mine. That said a lot to me - period! To become Facebook friends with someone you meet on the internet... there had to be some kind of connection, right? At the least, a kind of respect! Anyway, our friendship ground almost to a stop as Jake came out to more and more people. He didn't need me anymore. His life was moving forward and we began to speak less and less. I took that as meaning that once again, someone I was beginning to care about was turning their back on me, finding something more to their liking with someone else, or, just no longer needing me in their life. Similar almost to Jess (you all remember him), except with Jake it was on a much, much, much, much less emotional basis. With Jake it was a casual basis but it still meant something to me. The long and the short of it is that with Jake (and as with Jess and as with so many others in my past), I was totally dispensable. Lately, seems like when I do hear from Jake, it's to tell me about what he's been doing with regard to his "coming out." Oh, wait! We began a Word (Scrabble) game on our iPhones weeks ago but Jake got bored and the game automatically ended when he didn't make a move after two weeks. I really don't think Jake does this maliciously and I don't even think he realizes when he tells me on Skype (when he sees me), "Lets talk on here when I'm done with my work-call - I'll ping you in a bit". and never does, that it makes me feel bad. I think I'm just too fucking sensitive or looking too hard to be liked. I need to not give a shit; I need to be so preoccupied with my own life that I have no time to think about all the little shit people do that make me feel bad. So, back to Jakes email this morning. He thanked me for being a "good listener and adviser", those were his words and told me that his life was on track and things were going good. He asked me how things were going for me at work and at the gym, then said goodbye and have a good weekend. I guess that's a nice email and I shouldn't think about it much, but, I think I still miss Jess a lot and I still miss being needed and loved and nothing short of that makes me feel good. Don't get me wrong - I'm not in any depressed state or anything; at least I don't think I am... I'm just not all I can be with regard to being happy and fulfilled. I am also envious that Jake has come-out to everyone and will finally be happy in his life. I could be imagining this but I am also saddened that he doesn't need me as his "good listener and adviser"  and more. Jake will easily find someone that will rock his world and make him totally happy because he is younger, better looking, he got married and had kids, and I actually feel that more people love and respect him.

Time to shower. Heading to breakfast, "brunch" soon and need to put on that happy, content, personable face.

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