I Hate Being Ignored

Hi everyone. Again, I am saying my apologies for not writing a new post in a while. It's not that I don't want to; it's more that I feel powerless to be able to deal with my thoughts as I write them. Does that make sense? Let me explain. Thinking about shit that is going on in my life can be painful, but I have a way with skipping the page in my mind. If I write those thoughts, I have to seriously think about what it is that's on my mind and write it down. I guess all that attention to the negative scares the shit out of me. Fuck it! Why don't I just shut up and write!

Lately, I seem to be going through new people (friends) like a runner in a marathon goes through water. What the hell is wrong with me? I've slowed down with going to the sleazy bar that I hung out in last summer and fall (and part of the winter). I was meeting lot's of people there, but no one who mattered much or who really  was what I would normally seek out. I know the perfect argument against what I just said would be, "well you never know who you might meet, when you least expect it." Fuck that, I'm tired right now of meeting slurring drunks who spit in your face when they talk. Oh, and what they talk about is usually such dumb bullshit. Have you ever spoken to a guy who physically does nothing for you and all he can speak about is sex, fucking and more sex. Damn that gets tiring. Makes me think one thing... I want to go home! Alone!

So, as I was saying, I meet some guys online. If their voice passes the masculinity test and if they seem friendly, sweet, intelligent, etc., and their pic (at least the one they send) looks pretty good - then I'm sorta interested. But then within a week or two, even without meeting them, it's over. For those of you who have read my blog from when I first started it (writing about my relationship with Jess), you will understand when I tell you that I hate being ignored. I hate it! Brings back the worst of the worst from my memories. Why then do so many people do that? Fuck, I hate it! I wish I could ignore people but, I fucking can't do that to anyone!

Okay, this post is confusing! I knew it would be. Sorry, but there is so much in my head right now that its coming out in a very haphazard way. I will write more later!

By the way; is anyone out there? Does anyone hear me? I hope so!