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Sunday, April 11, 2010


Yesterday got busy and I couldn't get back here to write.  Jess sent me another email yesterday at around 4PM and this one really disturbed me and made me very sad.  I had to shower and get out of the house.  No where to go but just needed to go!  Needless to say I called him and left him a telephone message that I was sad but I understood.  Did I really?  Why aren't you picking up the phone?  I asked on the message recorder.  But, I understand that too.  I knew I was going to be sad. I already felt that overwhelming feeling of loneliness and despair I've known so well from other times coming back over me.  Damn I love him.  Why does this happen to me.  Here is what he wrote me:

I read your text messages after talking to you this morning.  Since I took cold medicine before our call, I fell asleep until almost 3pm.  Guess I needed that nap.  Seems like a really pretty day, but I'm still knocked out with this cold.  I really hope you don't get it.

In your text you asked me to tell you "why I'm against monogamy" and "what I really want from my life in the next 6 months to a year for example."  First, I'm not against monogamy.  However, I have seen it make relationships great and ruin others.  It seems like relationships need to be based on what two people can find as the best way forward.  For reasons that we discussed, I'm a little nervous about predicating a relationship on monogamy from the outset.  I'm just not ready for that.  But in general, I totally agree that monogamy is the best way to have a fulfilling relationship.  I just think it would take some time for me to get there.

On your second question about what I really want in the next 6 months to a year...  I'll choose a year.  In just over a year I'll be 40 -- that's a big milestone.  I want to be healthy and I think that is going to be a long haul.  There are a couple of things that I want that have to do with my job, creativity, spirituality and love.  I think you're most interested in the love portion.  I would love to have a relationship that helps me grow.  I would love to be in a committed relationship by 40.  

I think you are really interested in where you fit in that picture.  I know you know that I love you.  We have a special bond, I think.  We have all along.  But there are some things that are not working between us, which make it hard for a relationship to develop.  One of those is our ability to discuss issues.  In the call this morning, I felt attacked and I knew from previous calls like that one, that the discussion was probably not going to be a positive one.  There is a way to talk about difficult emotional things without raising voices or pointing fingers.  I shut down in those situations.

I can see that you are a great guy.  You have qualities that I'm looking for in a partner.  But there are also things that you have that don't work with me, including that emotional, hard response in discussions.  Or your suspicion of me always looking for other things, for example, in wanting to start the gay Mormon group.  Because of those things, I think we are better suited as friends.  If circumstances change in the future, we can reconsider.  But for now, I think part of the difficulty you have with me is that you can't get a firm commitment from me.  And I can't give it to you for as long as we have situations like we did this morning.  It's a vicious circle.  It's as though we have to end things to save what we have.

I look forward to your thoughts on this email.  I'm happy to talk to you about it as well, as long as we just talk and there is no yelling or putting down.

Love, Jess

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