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Saturday, April 10, 2010


I just woke up.  It's Saturday morning at 10:00 AM.  I went to sleep late, around 2:00 AM.  I went to see Jess.  He lives on the east side of Manhattan.  Said he had a cold but I went to see him anyway.  All he ever really needs to do is ask me what I'm doing or if I wanted to hang out and I'm there!  Sometimes that really bothers me that I have no control to just stay away and tell him, nah, I'm busy or that I don't really feel like it or that I have plans and can't.  After 8 months I have always gone to him, and he has come to me twice.  But, take note, that't probably because I've only asked him to come over to see me at my place twice.  He asked me a question last  night.  The question was, "why do I place such importance on monogamy?"
Pretty fucking weird question you ask?  Nope, not really.  My entire relationship with Jess thus far has always been centered around his inability (so he thinks and so he says) to be in a monogamous relationship.  I answered the question and he said he would tell me afterward why he feels that being in a monogamous relationship is not that important to him.  But, we got distracted after I completed my long response to the question and we never got to his answer!  This sucks because, I feel as if I am an open book about what I want and how I feel and I have very little clue as to what is in his mind and why he thinks the things he thinks and what does he really want!  It's pretty clear to me lately.  All the signs are there and Jess has made it quite clear that he is still looking in his life to find what he really wants.  I don't think that I am what he really wants and here is why I say that.  The following is the first example of knowing that something was different about Jess.  It will help you better understand why I feel this way and it will catch you up on what I have been dealing with for the last 8 months with him.  It's not the only example, no way, but its the first time he opened up to me telling me he needed/wanted something more/different.  Keep in mind that I love this guy and lately he tells me that he loves me as well.  Here it is, months ago, actually 7 back in October (3 months after we met) Jess and I were having dinner at the Grammercy Diner on 3rd Ave.  He and I hadn't spoken that much that week since he was really busy at work with meetings and shit like that.  He and I probably communicated by phone two times that week and maybe I got a text message every other day.  While we were having dinner, by the way it was a Friday night, he got a text and as he read it he began to smile.  He sat there, smiling and looked as if he was pondering his thoughts as to what to write back or something.  He did write back.  As much as I wanted to know what he was writing and to who and what he was smiling about, I held back but surprisingly he told me "you want to hear something funny?"  I said sure and he told me that some straight guy (as he put it) who works in Washington, DC was in town all week for this "special work project" and he and the guy were texting alot, mostly sexual innuendo and flirtatious talk.  What the fuck!  He described this guy as HOT and sexy and masculine, etc.  All the words that give gay men boners.  He told me that he and this "guy" were in the same meeting one day that week and the meeting was so long and boring that he and the guy exchanged about 20 text messages!  All I could think about was that he told me that he had absolutely no time to text or speak with me.  He told me that I was in good company because he doesn't even call his Mom or Dad or any of his siblings when he gets that busy and focused at work.  Yeah, right but he has plenty of time to send dozens of texts to the "stud".  That was the beginning in my mind of knowing that Jess had something else in his mind other then me.  When I asked him about it and why he had time for this other guy, it kind of hit a nerve with him.  I asked him if he was so into this "straight" yeah right, guy and would he want to have sex with him.  His response was not NO.  It continually was, "the guy is straight and he never would have sex with me."  After five attempts on my part to nail this down and understand what was going on in Jess's mind, I asked him, okay, hypothetically, if this guy was gay, would you want to have sex with him.  The answer was YES.  That led to the beginning of what was to become to unraveling in my mind that I was the one for Jess and that Jess wanted only me.  Jess's further explanation which has been echoed dozens of times over our 8 month relationship is that sex with someone new and hot is exciting and exciting sex is what he likes and he loves the chase, the hunt, the game especially with regards to hot straight men who he can eventually conquer and such there cocks.  He made it clear that he didn't want to be considered the "fag" who gets demeaned by being told to suck a straight guys cock.  He likes respect and likes letting a straight guy know that he is hot for them and when they are receptive to his flirting, he clearly tells them "don't start something that you can't finish".  Bottom line is if a hot (in his opinion) guy is positively reacting to his flirting, and can finish what he starts, then bingo!  A cock gets sucked, at the least!  More later, I need a coffee.

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