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Friday, April 9, 2010


Yesterday, went to see my Therapist (Paul) at 1:00 PM.  He wasn't there!  I waited till 1:15 and figured, fuck this!  I left and placed a small note on a business card on his door telling him I was there.  At 1:20 PM his phone calls with his apologies started coming in.  Of course, I didn't answer one of them or return his calls.  I just didn't want to open the door for any confrontation.  I've got too much crap going on to have another issue added to my current list of issues.  So, not sure if I mentioned but he has done this before.  Actually, this is the 3rd or 4th time he is late.  People (those that I boldly told that I was seeing a therapist) have told me that this is nuts, and that no therapist acts this way. I called my sister on the phone right after I left.  I think I was feeling guilty about leaving his office and needed some sort of validation.  My sister, lets call her Ellen, told me that I shouldn't go back to him.  She used the typical verbage, like asshole, jerk, unprofessional, loser, etc when describing him.  I wouldn't go that far, but my sister, well you don't know her yet so...  it will make sense later.  Paul is a LSW (Licensed Social Worker) and she and a few others told me that he sounds like a quack or at the very least, he needs to be more professional and excercise boundaries.  I don't agree but I am feeling weird that I told all my sexual, personal and whacked out secrets in my life to someone who may be, well, a quack.  Okay, so now I have no one to talk to.  So, I am going to talk to you Blogger.  I hope someone out there will see this.  Fuck, I feel lonely.

I think I told everyone that I met Jess last summer.  I posted an ad on Craigs List for a massage swap.  Although it was definitely not a "Looking For Sex" ad, it was definitely not a personal ad looking for a date and it most definitely was an ad that had sexual undertones and left the potential of some innocent, vanilla sex as a possibility.

We met, he was cool. He didn't rock my world but then again not sure if anyone could.  Well, thats not true, but was I going to meet someone who rocked my world on Craigs List?  I don't think so.

He is a Mormon or should I say was a Mormon until he realized he was gay (probably new all along but was in denial like all of us).  So he did the whole thing.  Two years as a Missionary away from his family and friends and traveled all over speaking about, I guess God and the Mormon way.  His family was quite involved too, but thats not so far fetched, I mean he is from the Northern Mid US and I guess Mormonism is more common there then here in the NYC Metro Area.  When he fully became aware that he was gay he left the Church, physically but I'm not sure he ever fully left mentally or spiritually.  His family, (I've met his mom and dad and one brother) are totally supportive and loving of eachother, him and his lifestyle).  How fucking cool is that!!  They drifted from the Mormon Church too and I really don't know what their religious status is today. Anyway, when we met, and he told me he is a Mormon, I figured cool, uh I think.  I've never really known a Mormon at least not in a close and intimate way.  I thought, hmm, this is going to be interesting but I was ready, willing and able.  Not turned off at all!

He told me he has some issues with relationships!  Okay, who the hell doesn't especially if you are bi or gay or have some sexuality snafu's.  I have my own and figured, what the hell, I can try this friend thing.  I mean really, was feeling lonely and kind of isolated and my head and heart was willing to let someone in.

So we became fast friends, sex was also involved but not the kind of sex you would think.  Oh, most times it was fun but it was lightweight and we both seemed okay with that.  Kissing, lots of kissing, oral and thats it!  Jess is more of a bottom but from what he says, he has never actually done that.  Interesting but I believe him.  We've never done it together either.  And I'm fine with that.  What does that tell you about me.

Hey, I've got to run now.  I'll pick this up later.

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