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Wednesday, April 14, 2010


So it's pretty obvious that I love Jess, yet it's pretty obvious that he has the following issues in his life or perhaps I should say, the following issues with me!  Since I have been with him as a friend, lover, uh... dare I say boyfriend, for the past 8 months, a lot of words, conversations and subtle hints have come out of him that lead me to believe this.  I have tried to talk to him about it, but most times discussing these things lead to conflict and a breakdown in our communication.  Look, I'm not perfect and I'm not saying that I am, but my issues revolve around holding a lot of shit in and being overly sensitve and then finally blowing up when I've held back discussing it and getting it off my chest  for too long.

Here are some of the things (issues) that stand out in my mind about Jess as I write this entry today:

1.  He used to love looking at me and couldn't take his eyes off me and always had a smile on his face but now that has pretty much all disappeared.

2.  He hardly ever reads my text messages or responds to my emails. Says he is too busy to do so and says he even doesn't respond to his own Mom and Dad and sibling's messages.  If he does respond, it could take hours or up to days.

3.  Tells me sex with me has become "comfortable" and no long super exciting and erotic like it used to be.  He says that one of his main issues is trying to accept and be aroused by this so-called comfortable sex.  He says he needs to get himself help so he can move past being fixated on the excitement of "stranger sex" such as hot guys from his office or friends of friends, etc.  For him, this type of exciting sex is most often always new, always hot and most times is usually sex with someone he pursues and evenutally gets - even if just for one sexual session.  Ideally he wants to learn how to focus on how to be more about monogamy, but I have no clue as to how he plans on getting that help.  As far as I know, and as far as what he has said, he doesn't have sex with others but as I may have said in my blog earlier, I told him to do so if he wants since I can't accept a relationship with someone who doesn't want or totally believe in monogamy at this point in their lives.  Thats why I say that our status is as "friends", "fuck buddies" (again, we don't do that!).  Like I said, he says he doesn't have sex with others these days, but perhaps he doesn't have that "exciting" sex with others because he hasn't found that person yet.

4.  He gets into horrible moods where he doesn't talk and when he does, he gets verbally rude, and says stupid shit that hurts (remember, I said I was sensitve) and later he usually always apologizes.  When he gets into these moods, he could be in my company and yet ignore me for hours!

5.  He sometimes opts for me to go home and not have sex with me so he can masterbate alone.  He told me this, once.

6.  I am a giver, I do way too much stuff for him.  He doesn't really ask me to do these things but I do them anyway.  I like the feeling I get from helping someone I love and doing for them.  I really don't think I am buying his affection and his company and I've told him this.  It's just how I am, but it's starting not to work for me.  It's making me feel really bad!  This is also causing a conflict in me, making me think is he using me or even taking advantage of me.  Wait, isn't that the same thing?   Maybe he is still with me because he likes having someone do so much for him without having to do anything in return.  So now you figured it out.... Jess rarely does anything for me but to be fair to him, I never ask him to either.

7.  He doesn't talk much about guys and guy friends in his life - I tell him everything.

So last night (please read my blog from last night, all the details are there) after he said that shit to me, I've held back and have stayed away.  I haven't responded to his texts or his one telephone call today.  I'm not playing games with him, just deciding what the fuck I should do.  I think I may tell him in an email that I am feeling that he has mixed feelings and he needs to figure it out.  His mixed feelings are making me feel like a fool and a total asshole, especially since I do so much for him.  I think I need to step back and let him know that I feel he is taking advantage of me because what else could it possibly be?  Is someone out there?  Help!!!

Here is another text I got from Jess today.  He also left me a similar voice message:

Hey -- I'm thinking of you. This isn't meant to pressure you to talk  
to me, just to let you know that I'm still here! XO

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