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Tuesday, April 27, 2010

My Pity Party Is Over!

It's Tuesday, when I woke up this morning, I had and still have just one very strong overwhelming feeling and thought.  My absurd three day "pity party" is fucking over.  Not only is it over, but I hate that person which I became and will do everything possible never to become that sort of person again.  Being weak, without dignity and without inner strength is not a good thing.  I know that this occurred because of events surrounding Jess.  But no more!  In my heart, I know that no one else could possibly respect someone who wallows in their own sadness.

I did finally speak with Jess last night on the phone.  He is tough and at this point, won't accept hearing that anything I feel is based on my sound logic.  We spoke for quite some time.  He says he loves me but he can't understand why I get so down and sad when he "takes a break" from me.  He knows he can be difficult and complicated, but he wants me to let it just roll off of me and not let it affect me.  Can I do that?  I'm going to fucking try!

Regardless, Jess has a lot of issues himself.  If we are to continue eventually as friends or more, then I need to be a man who is stronger and secure, all the time.  Obviously, I can't always be secure, at least on the inside, but I am going to try to be on the outside.  I want others to respect me, and that begins with me respecting myself.

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