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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Where Is My Self Esteem? I Feel Like Such A Loser!

I just got home.  Been out all day.  But no, I wasn't having any fun.  It was one of the worst days that I have had in a very long time.  Of course it revolves around Jess.  Let me preface this post and declare right here and now that what I am about to tell you makes me feel and realize that I have no self respect!  Where is my self esteem and my pride?  I don't know right now.  I truly feel pathetic.

After last night, I thought things with Jess and I were over.  Or at least in a really bad way.  Well, I was right.  When I woke up this morning, I was having regrets and feeling awful and needing to reach out to him.  I needed to apologize to him for what I am not sure.

I guess when we went to the diner and I left him there with Mary, that was a bad thing for me to do.  I also think that sending him a text and telling him that I didn't like the way he treated me, well that was probably a bad thing to do too.  And third, I guess going to his apartment, while he was still out with Mary and returning his key (left it on the kitchen counter) that was an abomination.  Anyway, I called him this morning to talk, to discuss last night and to let him know that I was probably more upset then I should have been.

Don't forget, that as of late, meaning the last few weeks especially, Jess has been rude and verbally nasty as a fuck to me.  The last 3 days he has been sending me text messages and calling me and apologizing, etc.  I never refused his texts or his emails and calls.  I always responded and I always wrote and left messages of understanding and telling him that I don't take it personally and I'll be there for him while he attempts to work out why he feels he needs to be this way.  Now, the tables are turned.  And Jess has no forgiveness, no emotion (that I can see), no compassion.  I called him so many times and text him even more and he ignored me totally.  Here is the bad part where I really dove deep in the pathetic department.  I went to the Park across from his apartment and waited for him.  I called him and asked him to please come down and talk to me or at least call me back.  Nothing!  I was there for two hours.  Fuck, I am such a spineless loser!  Whats makes me do this!  And on top of it all, I was standing out there in the cold drizzle.  The more I called and pleaded, the more he ignored me.  This is the guy who has been having such huge self esteem issues and huge insecurities causes him to treat me bad and then 10 hours later apologizes (as he was doing on Thursday and Friday).  Now I am the enemy!  I called his friend (and mine) Mary.  She was nice and felt bad and came and met me.  We left the park when she got there and we went for coffee.  She saw how upset I was.  I love Jess but how can loving someone like this make me act in such a way as to totally lose my value of who I am as a man.  I told Mary how I was feeling.  I teared up, Mary cried, it was emotional.  But still no Jess and no response.

At around 3:00pm, I got a text, it was from Jess.  Holy shit, I almost died, but it offered me nothing to grasp and hang on to.  No sympathy, no compassion, no basic kindness of any kind.  This is the guy I love?  Who supposedly loves me?  Talking to Mary helped me a bit.  It took the edge off my sadness but still I know that Jess is capable of ignoring me and totally making me a non-person.  He did it back in November for almost 5 weeks when we got into our first fight and I said some stupid shit.  Shit that a lot of people wouldn't have blinked an eye at, but with Jess, the roof fell in and he was blow away by it.  His reaction then was to ignore me, leave me and never respond to a text or email or call for almost 5 fucking weeks.  It was hell!  I think I had such an emotional meltdown today because I am afraid the same thing might happen again, now.  But, what did I do this time around that was so horrible?  Okay, so let me finish here.  Here is the text Jess sent me today.  "Hey -- I'm here, but this whole situation is a little out of control.  I'd rather not talk on the phone.  Lets take a break for a few days and cool off."  That was the text.  In some insecure, stupid, pitiful way, I took some comfort in those words.

I think I need to work at my self esteem.  Why do I get this way?  What am I afraid of?  Being alone?  How can I love someone so much who can do this to me?  I need to control myself and get a fucking grip.  No more calls to Jess.  No texts, no emails, no nothing!  Can I do it?  I say yes now but can I do it tomorrow?  I have to be strong because being weak is being fucking pathetic and who the fuck wants someone who is  so damn pathetic!

I am tired, exhausted and sad.  But I am composed and need to be a man.  I need to regain my self respect.  Perhaps my lack of it has turned off Jess, God knows that I have turned off myself. (and probably Mary).  We went back to her apartment.  We had dinner and I headed home at 9:30pm.  Thanks Mary!  I couldn't have gotten through today without you.  And Jess, I love you... forever!  Goodnight.

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