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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Enjoy Your Birthday Party Jess, I Feel Like Shit!

I sent that "have a great day, how can I have a great day?" email to Jess at around 4:30pm. I never heard back from him.  How do I ever get to the point of not caring when and if he returns my emails and text messages.  He probably doesn't even look at his email or check his texts, yet I am crazy checking email to see if he has written me.  How the fuck do I get past this and get to be indifferent?

Aside from that Jess's party is going on right now. It was called for 7:00pm at his apartment. His friend Ellen was preparing everything. Right now he must be having a blast, laughing, eating, collecting all his gifts and reveling in all his many friends and colleagues that have shown up.

I'm almost sure that since he and Ellen knew I wasn't going to attend, Jess has all his gay buds (I have never met any of his gay friends -- I never really thought he had close gay guy friends, although he often mentioned names of many gay guys which he considered as friends). I think most of Jess's gay male friends are also guys who he has slept with, perhaps that's why he never introduced me to any (although I have met 5 of his female friends repeatedly). As I was saying, I am sure Bjorn is there, and Jess is loving it.
I sent Jess a birthday card yesterday morning. It takes only one day for the mail to be delivered to another NYC address. In the card, I wrote that I wanted to not only be with him but to get him something special. However circumstances didn't permit that. Jess has everything and what he doesn't have, he is extremely snobbish and particular about. In other words, a tee shirt, jeans, book bag, something for his apartment, athletic equipment, etc, etc. all have to be the best and usually the most expensive. Fuck that! I enclosed a check for $100.00 and told him to get himself something that he might want and something that would make him smile. I told him not to look at the $100.00 check as being impersonal but more about giving him the options to get something he likes as opposed to something given to him that he wouldn't want. I didn't hear from him today after I sent that 4:30pm email, not about the party, not about the birthday gift, not about anything.

What does this all mean? One thing, that I am miserable. I'm heading out to get a meatball sub. Haven't had much of an appetite all day and can't afford to lose any more weight! Somewhat force feeding myself. By the way, Jess had told me the last time I brought him to this Italian Pizzeria that the owner is hot, and he would love to have sex with him!

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