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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

More Email Correspondence With Jess On Monday Night.

The following is my email response to Jess's email which he sent to me on Monday late morning.  I re-read what he wrote a few times and I needed to let him know what I was thinking.  Click on the jump below to read both emails.

The first email below is the email I sent to him.  The next email under that is Jess's latest and last response to that.

MY EMAIL TO JESS - SENT MONDAY EVENING

Jess,

I just re read your email that you sent to me late this morning.  As I read it over a third time, I think I finally understand it.  I can only assume that I understand it but your words are clear and intelligent and assumption on my part is most likely an accurate interpretation.
  1. You write:  But the last few days have been really important. My assumption is that this means that the last few days are necessary and  may hurt me and even you but they were necessary and important so that you could move forward and get mentally healthy.  Important also because not only did you feel that I was not right for you, but also that you were not right for me.
  2. You write:  I'm so claustrophobic that the idea of being trapped by anything - even something I love - paralyzes me.  I always felt as if I was trapping you and causing you conflict. This is why I decided that it was okay for you to be with other guys sexually, even date them.  I didn't want to lose you and felt that accepting that would be the only  way I could still have you in my life.  But I never realized the extent of how paralyzed and trapped you felt by me.  I'm sorry for that.  I wish I would have known that sooner.
  3. You write:  I can't ask you to hang on. But I want to. I can't ask you wait. But I want to do that, too.  Jess, in the past, the not so distant past, you have asked me to wait and I told you that I would.  I told you to do what you needed to do.   But I don't hanging on and waiting for you is what you really want me to do.  I think that still crowds you and gets in your way and as long as you are feeling crowded or claustrophobic as you put it, things won't ever change.  So, in reality, I don't really think you wanted me to hang in there and wait, unless it was hanging in there and waiting for you from a distant sideline and allowing you to feel as if I wasn't there at all.
  4. You write:  The desire you sense in me for other guys has nothing to do with an emotional interest. It is something else. And I don't think it is healthy.  This confuses me.  What actually is it?  Just the need for raw, sexually exciting, satisfying sex?  Or is more then that?  Love from a stranger?  Or maybe you find the initial excitement of new love and lust and romance and sex to be far more stimulating then what you had with me.
  5. You write:  You deserve a guy who sees only you.  Here I assume that you mean that you are telling me that you want to see others.   But Jess, if you want to see others, then its not the relationship issue that is bothering you and smothering you and paralyzing you.  It seems like you just want to date more and find ultimately someone better suited for you.  Obviously to me your words "you deserve a guy who sees only you" means that you just don't want to and can't see just me.
  6. You write:  And you need to sever some of your attachment toe and put it back where it belongs.  I am understanding your thoughts clearer and clearer.  I will not burden you or live my life with any further expectation from you.  Yes Jess, I will sever as much of my attachment to you as I can.  I  understand.                                                                                                                             
JESS'S EMAIL RESPONSE - SENT MONDAY EVENING

Hey Steve -- I have responded to your comments below. That email was quick and stream of consciousness. It doesn't all flow together and wasn't really meant for close analysis!
  1. You write:  But the last few days have been really important. Actually, I thought the past few days were important because I was understanding more of you and more of me than I have in the past. We have the opportunity to reinvent this relationship for the better.
  2. You write:  I'm so claustrophobic that the idea of being trapped by anything - even something I love - paralyzes me.  This wasn't about you, this was about me. I feel trapped easily by things and people. You actually made me feel less trapped than many others. And I truly appreciate the sentiment that you would do what it takes to help me feel less trapped. But it is thought of a relationship, period, that scares me. I think it is because I haven't been this deep before. But it is more fear than anything else. And it isn't you. It is the idea of settling down. It just makes me want to run. But like I said, that is just an irrational fear  working on.
  3. You write:  I can't ask you to hang on. But I want to. I can't ask you wait. But I want to do that, too.  This is exactly why I feel like I can't ask you to be there. I would like it if you chose to be there, but this has to be your choice. I always want you around, Steve. You are so special to me!  Don't think otherwise.
  4. You write:  The desire you sense in me for other guys has nothing to do with an emotional interest. It is something else. And I don't think it is healthy.  You asked me what this is -- it is an escape mechanism. It's a way for me to get away. It's not because I want somebody, it's because I want a way out. I don't know how else to describe it. I know it is not what I want for the rest of my life.
  5. You write: You deserve a guy who sees only you.  Hey Steve - stop looking for the negative stuff in this message! I was telling you what you deserve. You've told me that I deserve to be happy and I appreciate that. I'm telling you that I agree with your philosophy about sex and intimacy and you deserve a guy who only wants you for all the right reasons. I definitely want you for many of those reasons.
  6. You write:  And you need to sever some of your attachment toe and put it back where it belongs.  Steve, this is about establishing boundaries that will help us relate to each other. It has nothing to do with cutting ties with me!! I don't want that. I don't want you to lose yourself in this process. You are a great guy and you should maintain as much of that as possible. What I meant was that you should do what you want to do and be who you want to be. You shouldn't lose yourself because of me.

Does that make more sense?  Read the email for a fourth time knowing that there are no hidden messages and that I love you!

Love,
Jess

2 comments:

drew said...

I must say Jess is either a very confused man or he is the biggest game player there is. I believe either way it is not going to work out for you. You talk about high maintenance!! My problem with him is I can't stand roller coaster emotional people. He's up in the morning and down in the afternoon. I am sorry but that is bullshit. I think deep down he is a very selfish person and everything is on his terms. I hate to say run but that is what I am feeling.... Just my 2 cents..

My Big Itch said...

Drew, you are right. I hate to say it, but after all I have written here, saying that is not so hard to do. Thanks for reading my blog, please stay with me. I hope you will add yourself as a FOLLOWER. Have a great day.