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Friday, May 21, 2010

Guess Who Called Me Tonight? And Oliver Is Sitting In His Apartment While He Does!

I wasn't going to write another blog entry today but I had to write this last one. This one is the shit! Obviously I am feeling bad, really bad actually. All I can think about is Jess and Oliver together tonight (and for the next five days). I got an email from Jess at around 7:00pm and it didn't say much other then asking me how I was feeling and that he liked the pictures I took while at the park today (I responded to his voice mail message today with an email saying that my stomach was on the fritz and that I was leaving work early and heading for some fresh air at the park. I sent him the same pics I posted on my blog here). Since that email I haven't heard from Jess. I chalked it up to the fact that Oliver was finally here and they were together. I sadly resigned myself to somewhat accepting this and have tried my best not to allow it to eat me up alive.

But, at 10:45pm tonight my phone rang. Yes, it was Jess! Click on the jump below to read what he had to say. You won't believe this!

First thing he said was "hello, how are you feeling?" I said fine thanks, except for a screwed up stomach. Then he said "I feel guilty because I'm on my way home from dinner with a colleague (ha ha, perhaps it was with Bjorn) and that Oliver has been waiting inside of my apartment for me".  Big shit, what the fuck do I care!

Can you fucking believe that? What big balls he has to call me to tell me that he feels guilty that Oliver is waiting for him and he was just getting done with dinner. Personally, I don't think he really called to tell ME that. I think calling me had a much more significant purpose for Jess and I was about to find out. I tried to not say a word about Oliver or about being sad or hurt. As I was all week, I kept my head and said absolutely nothing. I didn't even mention Oliver's name and when he told me he was guilty, I said nothing. After eight more minutes of harmless small talk, he asked me "what are your plans for the weekend"? What the fuck? He has Oliver, why is he asking me that? All I said is that I wasn't sure yet. I asked him do you have big plans? He said, "nope, not at all". I thought he was going to ask me to hang out, so I quickly changed the topic. Then there was silence and here it comes, the real reason for Jess calling me. He blurts out in almost a distressed, sad, childlike voice (as he was getting off the bus and walking into his apartment) He says "I feel so weird about going home to my apartment!"  And I'm supposed to respond? Am I supposed to validate that assholes fucked up behavior by telling him, its fine and go have fun and fuck your brains out? Hell no. I said nothing. There was dead silence because I wasn't going to say a word. Jess was silent too as he waited for me to respond but I wasn't going to. Then about a minute later, all I said was, okay Jess, thanks for calling and have a good night. Jess was obviously uncomfortable and had a lot on his mind. He appeared to want to talk more about it, but I didn't. I just ended the conversation nicely as if nothing phased me in the least.

Did he really need to call me as his "friend" and tell me all this? Or was he trying to get me to tell him it was okay, validate his fucked up behavior and games and give him permission so he can clear his conscience? What I really think is that Jess was trying to tell me in his own way that he fucked up and that having Oliver come to town was a fucked up, wrong thing to do that doesn't seem much like a good idea now!  Well, Jess, its too fucking late now for that. And stop ripping my fucking heart apart with your shit.

Just a word to my great blog followers and especially to the ones who have taken the time to write me their thoughts on all of this. Thank you very much for all your understanding and your great opinions. Believe it or not, it truly helps me and gives me some added strength that I so need. Thanks again!


keliss said...

I really don't understand where Jess's head is. I mean, I'm having trouble ascertaining what his goals are.

None of this makes sense.

My Big Itch said...

None of this makes sense to me either. Now you know possibly what I feel and what I'm going through!

drew said...

I seems Jess can't put himself in your place, emotionally. I find that disturbing. I go back to him being self centered. I have met people who are the center of their own universe and they don't know how to relate to others. How can you deal with someone like that?? He likes you, no he doesn't. I really think the nine months you have been with him hasn't really been great, but you are making allowances for it. I think you should really consider giving this up. I think he can wreck you emotionally... Just my opinion...

My Big Itch said...

Drew, Yes I get that! Yes, Jess is self centered and doesn't see what he is doing to me to the extent of what he really and actually is doing. Although he is a great guy, down deep in his soul, he has issues and conflicts and the bottom line is that he is helplessly fixated on his own issues and his own needs to the point where he can't see what the fuck he is doing to others (me). The 9 months that I have been with him haven't all been great. But I have grown to love him more then anything in this world. That has to account for something and although he is fucked in the head and he does and says bad things me, I feel that his issues and conflicts are speaking when that happens. How can I just turn off love. If he would hold firm to just being friends and not contact me, then of course I am prepared to move on and downscale to just being his friend. But thats not happening that way. My big question is what is his motivation, what does he want? Me? I am confused and can't possibly heal if this continues. If Jess can get help and realize his issues and ultimately decide that he wants me, then I'd be happy. Thanks for reading and writing. Keep it up Drew. I appreciate everything you say.

Anonymous said...

Jess is immature that's all.... xoxo Joel from CA