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Thursday, May 13, 2010

Hang On Everyone. The Jess Saga Continues.

I called Jess on the telephone tonight. I wasn't planning on doing that, it just sort of happened. It was 8:45pm and I hadn't heard from him all day. Did he get my $100.00 birthday check in the mail? I am just feeling down and sad and pretty alone. Today was rough, with my cousin's suicide and Jess and all that. (Read more after the jump).

So, I called and he answered. The conversation was formal but decent. But it escalated, not into an argument or anything like that. But it escalated into frustration and emotion. It wasn't good. We got no where. Jess kept telling me that he loved me. I kept asking him to tell me what is actually going on in his mind. I asked him over and over to explain to me logically why he feels so trapped sometimes and so claustrophobic (as he puts it) and to tell me what it is really that is bothering him or causing him to feel that we are not compatible. I got no where!  All I got was Jess's response that we can't communicate. Shit, this is crazy! Of course I can communicate! Look how good I fucking communicate on this blog. What I can't handle is the fact that Jess says that I can't communicate when in fact, I walk on eggshells and try my best to talk to him when he gets all disconnected and distant! All I get from him is his inability to communicate to me.

The call didn't go so good, obviously. I told Jess that this was really nuts. He said he wants me as his friend. I don't want to be his friend. I love him! I am not going to come by his place at 6:00pm for dinner only to hurry up so he can make an 8:30pm date with someone when that time comes. I am not going to be his friend when he invites me over to hang out with him and his new boyfriend when he gets one so that I can sit on the sofa way too long like his friend (and mine) Mary and not know when the right time to leave so Jess and he can be alone!

He told me that he hates seeing me like this that he loves me and he is going to help me. Help me? With what? I don't need his help! He told me to come by and sleep over his place tonight so that I won't be alone with my thoughts (I have the key). I declined and told him that was ridiculous. Then all of a sudden, the phone disconnected. My battery died! Fuck! My phone was totally dead and I had to plug in the charger. But I was done with the conversation and I wasn't planning on calling him back. Where would it get me? No where! I did however see a few texts messages from him after I plugged the phone into the charger. There was also a phone message from where pretty much all he said was that he loves me and to come over and that he doesn't show his emotion as I do but he cares. I didn't call or text him back. Talking to him on the phone made me feel awful and sad and alone and all I wanted to know was why? Is he playing a game with me?

Here are Jess's two text messages that he sent me after the phone went dead.  The phone message and the first text message arrived at around 11:23pm. The second and last text message arrived at 12:00 midnight. Jess probably had to check out some porn and beat off during the first and second text, that's why the thirty-five minute delay!

TEXT @ 11:23pm
Hey Steve-- What happened? My phone lost its connection and yours is going straight to voice mail. I worry about you when you get like this. Please, please, please be good to yourself. I love you.  Jess

TEXT @ 12:00am
Hey Steve--I hope you are OK. Wherever you end up tonight, my door is open. Love you!


drew said...

I guess you are going to have to learn about Jess on your own. I think your readers are looking at your situation without emotion and you are full of emotion so I think you are having a tough time facing reality and I certainly understand. Good luck..

garv said...

Think Drew makes a few good points.
Wishing you luck as well!!!!