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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A Bad Day But Didn't I Expect It To Be!

Surprisingly enough, this post will not be primarily about Jess. Of course I'm down, of course I'm sad, of course I'm lonely and I miss my best friend but I am doing what I can to live each day with the hope that something positive will come out of all this. Maybe Jess will realize on his own that he needs me and wants me in his life and that he will get the help he needs to make this work.

Anyway, I get a call from my Dad today. He tells me that my cousin committed the unspeakable, horrible act of suicide. He shot himself in the head with his gun. I didn't even know he had a gun. I didn't know he was in so much pain. But does anyone ever really know how much pain we are in? No one knows about Jess and the pain I'm in, especially my family, but suicide is not the answer. This is so sad! Apparently his wife was leaving him. From what I'm told, for another man. This news makes my already grieving heart want to explode. Suicide is wrong and not ever an option! However, I can fully relate to being so distressed and so hopeless that you can't see outside of your tortured box. Again, suicide is never, ever the answer. I mourn my cousin, I will miss him and I feel the depths of his Mom's and brother's and sisters anguish and personal hell. I'm so sorry that he had no one to turn to, (I guess, just like me).

My mom then grabbed the phone. She's a good woman but sometimes her support comes off the wrong way. We discussed the sadness and shock about my cousin. Then she told me, "ya know, you really aren't looking good. You've lost too much weight, your too thin, your stomach is to flat and you have no ass. Even your face is way to thin and whats with your hair, its too darn short and makes your face look terrible".

How appropriate for her to tell me this. I thought I couldn't get any lower or deeper into my own self loathing and sadness and feelings of being inadequate. I guess I could because I did. Thanks mom, I love you.


Geoff said...

So sorry to hear about your cousin. My father ended his life the same way about 14 years ago. It never makes sense.

My Big Itch said...

Thanks Geoff, and I am also very sorry to hear about your Dad. Thats so sad! Thank you for reading my blog, it means a lot to me! Steve