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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Jess, I Miss You. But This Time...

Jess, it's been days since we have spoken. This isn't the first time that we have distanced ourselves from one another. This time it feels different. This time, I truly feel that you and I are not going to make it. This time, I am going to sit back, and not run after you. This time, I want to hold on to my self respect. This time, its not an argument (we are still friends I guess and there is no argument or exchange of harsh words to get over). This time, I agree with you that I need more consistency then you are presently capable of giving me. This time, I know it is you that can't be with me, although you say you want me, love me, need me. Do you? I'm heartbroken by the thoughts running through my head constantly asking me if you really do. I always felt that we had the same kind of love for one another. Maybe I have been wrong and your love for me is different then the love I have for you. I love you more then anything. I love you unconditionally for who you are, for your heart, your brain and your soul, your laugh, your face, your body and your drive. Whether you realize it or not, I love you for what you have done for me. You have made my life full and most important, when things were good, you made me happy, and I never I felt alone. Thank you for that. I was always so excited to see you, like a puppy when his family came home. It always felt good, it always felt real and fresh for me!

I never realized how magical love could be until I met you.  I'm not sure why this didn't work. I know you tell me that you love and adore me and that no one ever in your life has made you feel as I do. You also tell me that it's you and not me. I can't accept that fully. If you have a problem with love and relationships then why aren't you getting the professional help you need so that we can be together and be happy? Why do you need to see others? You tell me that being with others represents excitement and an escape and it's what you need to do. You say it is not an emotional need and is not about love. You tell me its just a need to avoid the claustrophobic feeling you get from love and from being in a relationship. I don't get it, shouldn't love win? I miss you Jess. I will always love you!

Chris Norman - Baby I Miss You

3 comments:

Adventures In Gay Dating said...

This post made me cry and that song you have playing is heart-breaking.

My Big Itch said...

I cried when I wrote it and each time I read it. Will it get easier? I don't want to forget and move on. I don't want to be without Jess!

drew said...

I feel you are making the right move at this point. Unfortunately Jess doesn't have the answers and that is the problem. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love him. I believe if he did convince you to get back with him you will approach the same intersection in the future... Wish I felt differently...
Good luck..