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Monday, May 17, 2010

I Accept That I Need Help, But, I Really Have No One!

I have no idea as to what to do. I feel awful, sad, depressed, lonely, alone and my heart aches every second because of Jess. It's not as if I will never see him again, but that doesn't seem to give me much comfort and solace in knowing that. I love him so very much. I am so sad that yes, it's over! I don't want to move on without him and can't imagine even doing so. I don't know how I ever grew to love him this much but it scares me to be without him. Just knowing that he doesn't love me the same way as he used to is tearing me up. Read more after the jump.

I need help and please don't suggest a therapist. Been there and done that. If you remember, I had written here in my blog that I have been (actually had been) going to see Peter, a LCSW since last December. Talking to him didn't make me feel better at all. It was a waste of time and yes, a lot of money. I always left his office, deflated and worse then I felt before I first arrived.

I can't talk to my Mom or Dad. They know I'm gay but do not ever want to talk about it. They are better with simply pretending that I am not gay. The other day I called them on the telephone, my heart was about to explode over Jess (as it still is) and they quickly sensed something was wrong and said that they really are not the ones I should talk with about things that make me unhappy. They expressed that they want me to be happy and can't really deal with hearing otherwise. We said goodbye and hung up.  My married brother and married sister do not know that I am gay. If they did, they would die, I can't talk to them. I have hardly no gay friends and the few that I have are so self absorbed, that if I tried to talk to them, they would listen to me with one ear while the other ear is hand is writing a text or emailing someone else. They don't care! My straight friends? Yes, they are my straight friends and do not know I'm gay. If I told them, I'm sure it would be major run towards the exit doors in my life.

So I have no one to talk to. I had Jess, but I can't even talk to him anymore. This is getting bad. I can't sleep (last night I just lay there in bed and watched the clock hit 3:30am. I got up and took an Ambien. That gave me almost 6 hours. Still not enough. I have no appetite and I;m freaking out on all the weight I've lost in the past two weeks. I am down nearly 10 pounds. A lot of my readers have commented and given me advice. Good advice but the kind of advice that feeds my sadness and my anxiety. I know you are all correct. I know that. Thanks to those who have taken the time to write and to care. Thanks!

Here are some of the comments that some of my readers have given me in the last week or so:

Ummm....It's time to move on ....I think it's clear how he feels and what he wants.
...May 17, 2010 10:34 AM

I wanted to comment but I didn't want to leave it on your blog.  I understand where you are coming from.  The problem is your relationship is not on equal terms between you and Jess.  He is moving on and you are not.  I don't think you can maintain a "relationship" with him on his terms and be happy..  I can't stress to you enough that you need to bite the bullet and walk away.  This is not about your dignity or self esteem.  You are in love with him and he is not in love with you on the same level.  It is over and you won't accept it.  I feel bad for you because Jess is using you for himself but you are allowing it.  Not using so much in a "using you" sense, but use in terms of just wanting to have sex but minus the relationship. My advice is to accept it is over and move on.  Much easier said than done but how do you feel following him around like a love sick puppy??  Good luck.
...May 17, 2010 7:46 AM

It seems that Jess is unsure of what he wants, and I believe he might be using you when he has no-one else or maybe when he wants a quick fix. There are a lot of "ifs"....and a lot of things that keep going on in your head....maybe you should detach a bit, especially if you need to protect yourself....but sometimes it's good to go with the flow - just trust your instincts.
...May 16, 2010 3:30 PM

Wish I could take away the pain, but I can't. Unfortunately you are the only one that can deal with this. I am very sorry you are going through this. The sooner you recognize where you need to go with your life the sooner the pain will subside. your readers all want whats best for you. if writing helps keep it up!!
...May 14, 2010 5:43 PM

I guess you are going to have to learn about Jess on your own. I think your readers are looking at your situation without emotion and you are full of emotion so I think you are having a tough time facing reality and I certainly understand. Good luck.
...May 13, 2010 9:03 AM

Think D--- makes a few good points.
Wishing you luck as well!!!!
...May 14, 2010 9:03 PM

This post made me cry and that song you have playing is heart-breaking.
...May 12, 2010 4:47 PM

I feel you are making the right move at this point. Unfortunately Jess doesn't have the answers and that is the problem. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love him. I believe if he did convince you to get back with him you will approach the same intersection in the future... Wish I felt differently...
Good luck.
...May 12, 2010 5:19 PM

Love the blog. You sound like such a sweet guy. I'd been very interested to read more about who you are sans Jess. Can a guy that's been around the block(hell, the block's been named after him by now)give you a word of advice about this whole Jess thing: You shouldn't have to work so hard at it. Love is supposed to feel good. Do you feel good ? From reading about 20 "Jess" posts I can tell that his interest level isn't there.
I've been there. I know where you are. Wishing you much love and healing.
...May 12, 2010 5:42 AM

I actually found your blog through a post off another favorite of mine (A------------), and really enjoyed reading. I recently shredded some old journals and when I read some of the posts, they sounded really close to your experiences with Jess. Love hurts sometimes, but I wouldn't trade the journey for anything. Consider me a new fan!
...May 12, 2010 11:36 AM

I must say Jess is either a very confused man or he is the biggest game player there is. I believe either way it is not going to work out for you. You talk about high maintenance!! My problem with him is I can't stand roller coaster emotional people. He's up in the morning and down in the afternoon. I am sorry but that is bullshit. I think deep down he is a very selfish person and everything is on his terms. I hate to say run but that is what I am feeling.... Just my 2 cents.
...May 11, 2010 9:06 AM

Just found your blog via M-----..
I have skimmed some of your recent posts. So I don't know everything, but I have a general idea.
My gut reaction is that you should go because he has been important enough to you and you are still on speaking terms. I would say that you should boycott it only if you want nothing more to do with him.
To answer your questions —
1. It's not wrong if you don't think you can stand being there.
2. You should RSVP her once you have your mind made up.
3. Keep it simple: "I'll be there. Thanks for inviting me" or "Thanks for inviting me. I'm sorry I can't make it." No deep discussion is needed or wanted.
4. I suppose it could be awkward, but if you go and they are actually there and it gets too uncomfortable for you, you can make some excuse about feeling unwell and having to leave. Next say or so you can send a message to Jess saying that you're sorry but having some of those others there just weirded you out — nothing against him personally.
5. Take him at his word that he really wants you there.
...May 10, 2010 11:31 PM

This was really well-written, brutally open, and incredibly painful to read. Break ups are the worst.
Keep your chin up!
...April 30, 2010 1:20 PM

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

XOXO CALL ME ......... JESS WILL COME BACK TO YOU EVENTUALLY....... then you can decide what you want ........ Joel in CA.