Monday, May 17, 2010
Sunday Night And Another Blow To My Head, My Heart, And My Dignity... Whatever Is Left Of It!
He and I went in and out of a few stores. He saw a pillow in crazy orange that he liked and thought it would look great in his living room. All the pillows he currently has are ragged, ripped or old as hell. When he wasn't looking, I bought it for him. He was actually annoyed and pissed off that I did that. He told me that I don't need to reciprocate when he buys me something. I don't feel as if I need to do that. I just like doing things for him. That was my first mistake of the day.
At about 6:30pm we headed back to his apartment. I bought us some frozen yogurt and we sat in the park. He told me that he wanted to relax alone during the night. That really brought me down. Can you fucking understand how it could? He saw that my mood changed and wondered what was going on. The day was heading for a crash. Back at his house, after 15 minutes, we stared again having sex. Yes, I know, I'm not supposed to do that anymore. By the way, the only reason why I enjoy sex with Jess so much is because its with Jess. I love him and enjoy any contact I can get, whenever I get it. As for Jess, sex with me is usually always about him. Would it appear totally selfish on Jess's part, uh, for the most part it is. It's my fault since I allow it and cater to him and although I enjoy it, it is becoming more and more obvious that sex with Jess is pretty much about making Jess feel good.
We showered and then talked for a bit. I made the huge mistake of asking him if I could talk to him about something. I wanted to let him know that I felt bad that Oliver was coming to town and staying with him for 5 days. I thought it was wrong. Well, that did it! Hell broke lose and Jess freaked. Of course blaming me for being difficult and accusatory and in Jess's word, being dramatic. He said to me that he has has no idea what will happen between him and Oliver when he gets to town on Thursday. I asked him if he really was ready to have sex with someone else at this point. His answer was simple, it was "yes". I also asked him if he was planning on bringing Oliver out to a bar and inviting his friends to come and see him (the same friends that I have been meeting as Jess's other half as recently as Saturday night (last night). He said to me that he hadn't thought about that yet but it seemed to me that by mentioning it to him, I had given him a good idea. Oh, by the way, Jess again reiterated to me, probably for the 4th time in the last week, that he although he still loves me, he doesn't feel anywhere close to the way he felt about me months ago! Nice, that felt again like a shot to my heart! How can I love this person who feels this way or who can easily even tell me that he feels this way! Not sure how it came up, but I asked him if he wanted his apartment key back, yet. Wouldn't you think he would say yes, especially with all the other things he says to me and with Oliver staying at his place for 5 days, I'd have thought he want them back. He said "no".
Here we go again and again, this sucks. Where is my fucking self esteem. Simple answer is that I don't have any. God I hate when I try to calmly tell him about how I feel and he couldn't care less and makes it seem as if I am difficult. He all but said that I ruined the day for him. We went out for a fast dinner. He kept telling me that after dinner I was going home and that he wanted to be alone. Long story short, I went back to his place after dinner, i don't think he was really happy with me being there. We hardly spoke. At 11:15pm, I told him I was leaving. He quickly put the TV remote on pause and he quickly got up and escorted me to the door. He gave me a peck on the lips, said goodnight and thanks for a fun day. I left. Fuck I feel awful again!