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Sunday, May 16, 2010

Update On Me & Jess (Sunday)

It's Sunday, I haven't written in a few days. That's so unlike me. Things have been rough, difficult and emotional to say the least. But as always with Jess, things change quickly. If you have been reading my blog, you know that Jess told me that he and I were done. He was no longer able to pursue the boyfriend thing with me and he needed to date others and perhaps find someone more compatible. I thought Jess and I were very compatible and in my opinion, the fact that he and I were together over 9 months is proof of that. I honestly feel Jess doesn't know what he wants and this blog entry today might show you. Let me know what you think. Read beyond the jump to hear whats been going on since Friday.

Friday night, I went to see Jess for a little bit. He had told me that it was Ellen's birthday and that she was having a two day celebration. Friday night was going to be just an intimate dinner for 5 or 6 of her closest friends and then Saturday night was going to be a larger party at a bar in Brooklyn.

Anyway, I was so fucking sad and emotional and upset that Jess and I were done and although he kept telling me that he loves me and wants me in his life as his friend, it made no difference to me and hearing that didn't make me feel better. Nonetheless, I wanted to be stronger, at least on the outside so I didn't turn Jess off even more than I already have and most important that I didn't turn myself off to me even - more than I already have! Jess knew I was emotional and upset. He seemed so frustrated about it and wanted to help me but didn't have a clue as to how. I wanted him to stop worrying about me (I really didn't) but still tried to let him know that I will be okay. We spoke on the phone for 10 minutes. He was heading home to change to go to this birthday dinner. He said "come over for a few minutes."

I went, we spoke, but not really much about us and about what was going on with us. I tried putting on a happy or should I say, happier face. Jess was rushing to go. He came over and said to me, I want to have sex with you. I thought, what the fuck? My first reaction was to tell him, no way!  Are you seriously asking me this? He said if I didn't want to he would totally understand. Believe me when I tell you that on all levels with all recent events being considered,  I should have said no. But I didn't want to put a bigger wedge between us. In my mind, if I said no, then I thought that it would strengthen and affirm to Jess that we were well on our way to being just friends. The friends that he said he only wanted to be with me. So we had sex, and yes it was amazing, at least for Jess. Jess laid there when he was done and all he kept saying was "that was fucking amazing, again". Of course that makes me feel good, but makes me wonder, does he have sex with me because he loves me, or because I make him cum really good? I don't have a clue as to which, maybe it's a little of both. He got showered, dressed and I walked him to the subway and on to his small dinner birthday party for Ellen. I was supposed to meet with Mary for dinner. (I really didn't want to and didn't think I'd be great company, all things considered that were going on with me and Jess). Jess told me to go back to his apartment and hang out and meet Mary there. I did! I love being in his apartment. It makes me feel close to him and having the key (Jess tells me that he wants me to hold on to it even though I have asked him if he wants it back) makes me still feel special and significant in his life and mine. Mary came and we went for dinner, then I went home. That was Friday night.

He said to me that on Friday night, Ellen told him to please ask me to come to her party with him on Saturday  night (that night) in Brooklyn. He said that more of his friends from work who don't know me will be there and he wants them to meet me. Wow, the last time I met some of his work friends was about two weeks ago when Jess made that small dinner party for Vivica. His friends that night loved me and I felt that it made Jess want me and feel good about us. Fucked up as that sounds, its, uh, kinda true. So with regard to the party on Saturday night in Brooklyn, I was fucking going! Jess was happy, he said great, come by early and we can hang. Get here at 6:00pm, the party starts at 9:30pm. I knew one thing, I wasn't going to have sex with Jess. Enough of that for a while. Let him realize that I'm not a friend fuck. I also realized that I was going to have a great time and if it wasn't a great party, I was still going to have a great time. For me and for Jess!

I got to Jess's at around 7:30pm. He was happy to see me. He told me that I looked amazing! He smiled and I felt as if things were like they always were. But with Jess, things are never how they appear. I never know what is going on in his head. He, Mary and I went to the party. We got there at 10:00pm. Small, cute restaurant. Jess introduced me to everyone. It was great. I felt the same vibe from his friends that I felt that night at Jess's dinner party for Viviva. I honestly felt that these friends liked me a lot. I felt that they knew we were together and loved that Jess was happy.  Did Jess tell them that he and I were over? Did Jess tell them that he and his ex from Europe, Oliver, was coming to stay with him this Thursday for possibly a week. Did they know any of that? I don't think so at all. They seemed to embrace me, and embrace us. Some even took pictures and asked if they could have one of him and I together. It was a great night. A fun night! We had a blast! Everything was perfect!

We left at around1:00am and pooled a cab back to Manhattan with a few of his friends. Jess and I walked a few blocks back to his apartment. We went it and I told him I needed to get going. We hugged and said what a great night we both had. We talked for a few minutes about some of the people I had met that night. Jess clued me about some of them. You know, typical after party talk about the people there. Jess and I mentioned nothing about us, about anything dealing with that. I wasn't going to spend the night at all. Maybe he knew that, he didn't ask and either did I. I left his place at 2:00am.  All I said to him as I left was, "give me a call.". All he said was "I will".  Jess stood in the door of his apartment as I walked the seventy or eighty feet long walk down his hallway to the elevator.  I turned around and he was still there, he waved. I was gone.

So that was my weekend. Something interesting about the party on Saturday night was that Jess and some of his friends were talking about a guy that was there. They had all met him on Friday night at the small dinner party. On Friday night, this guy was with a girl that they all assumed was his girlfriend. On Saturday night, he was there with another girl, not the same from Friday. Jess led the discussion on what a "dirt bag" this guy was for being such a fucking player and being with what he thought was his girlfriend on Friday and a different girl on Saturday. They all thought what big balls and nerve this guy has to come to two parties that would mostly be made up of the same or similar people and come with two different "girlfriends" or dates. "What a player" was what they said. Jess called him a fucking asshole.

What do I think? Well I agree. But, I've met so many of Jess's friends. They like me. When this guy Oliver comes to town this week and stays with Jess for 5 days, isn't Jess doing the same thing? Jess likes to integrate his friends. Will he take Oliver to a bar to re-introduce him as his ex? (most will already know him from last summer when he was here in NYC and dating Jess). Isn't that as bad as the guy from last night with the two girlfriends?

Jess just called me on the telephone (1:00pm) He wants to hang out with me. Am I going? Fuck yes!  I don't play games, maybe I should and say I'm busy or that I have plans. I don't and I want to see him. II just need to rush and go. I love Jess!


SteveA said...

It seems that Jess is unsure of what he wants, and I believe he might be using you when he has no-one else or maybe when he wants a quick fix. There are alot of "ifs"....and alot of things that keep going on in your head....maybe you should detach a bit, especially if you need to protect yourself....but sometimes it's good to go with the flow - just trust your instincts.

My Big Itch said...

I appreciate your comments and your opinion. Right now I am confused as hell. I do feel as if I am being used. But is it possible that someone you have dated for 9 months can start using you after all that time?

SteveA said...

Not use in that sense, but use in terms of just wanting ti have sex but minus the relationship.