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Friday, May 14, 2010

It's Over! Really Over! How Do I Move On?

It's over. Jess and I are over. I've felt that things were over before, but this time, I know and can see that Jess has moved on.  I went to see him last night. Yes, it's been a hard few weeks but I kept thinking that Jess would never leave or move on. When I got to his place, he wasn't home yet (I have the key). His place was a mess still from his birthday party on Wednesday night. Yes I did, I cleaned everything up, sink full of dishes and counters full of dried food, etc. I like doing things for him -- and yes he has done things for me, at times.

While I was cleaning the place, I wanted to turn on some music from his iTunes account on his computer which I have done a hundred times before. I opened the laptop and there on the screen was a personal ad response from some guy complete with a brief "typically gay hookup" response and the guys naked pic. It was Jess's "daddy" account and he apparently had it opened last to this correspondence with this guy. It momentarily stunned me but shouldn't I have already known this kinda thing exists with Jess? This was shot one of the night! Read more after the jump for the rest of what happened.

When he got home, I didn't mention it at all. Eventually Jess went to his laptop and saw it and asked me, did you by any change see this? I said yes, when I went to turn on some music. All he said was shit, I'm so embarrassed. We pretty much left it at that.

Soon after, Jess told me that his ex boyfriend (no not Bjorn), another guy who moved away to Denmark named Oliver was coming to visit him and to stay with him next Thursday for 5 days. Jess was involved with him for a few months before Oliver moved back home. From what he said, he seemed as if he really liked him but, again it was a geographically undesirable situation after he moved. He told me, that he wasn't planning on even sleeping in the same bed with this guy when he stays over. Oh Jess, please! That later changed to, well, he is not planning on having sex with him but if it happens then it happens. He even asked me if I wanted to meet him. Again, please! Shot two!

He also told me that he had a birthday party to go to on Friday night and his weekend was really packed with things to do. Saturday night was part two of Friday nights part one of the Ellen's birthday party. This was shot three!

I knew what was coming. The conversation! The one that told me that he loves me, but he is done. The one that tells me that he wants to be my friend, but he doesn't have the same feelings for me as he used to. He tells me that things can't work with us. He not only wants to date other people but he wants to find someone he can be happy with. He was moving on. The final blow - shot four!

What can I say. I'm devastated! I become anxious and overwhelmingly sad. All I can think about is that I have no one to talk to about this. I'm devastated and my heart is ripped open. Last week he was writing me emails telling me that he and I would be buying a home together and raising our child one day within the next two years. Now, a week later, its this.

Jess sees my devastation, and it must truly turn him off more. I wish I could be the John Wayne type and just walk away like the tough guy. I can't and don't know how to be that way. I tried to talk to Jess about all this, he wouldn't budge. Jess was adamant, almost defiant with regard to communication at this point. His mind was made up. He is done and wants to be friends only. From what I can see and hear, being friends with Jess is just a nice way for him to put a pillow underneath me so he can cushion my hard fall. He laid down in bed, and I got in next to him. I was beginning to be pathetic. I was making it worse and worse and even more worse. Where the fuck is my goddamn pride!!!

Don't even ask, but we had sex. Was it great for me, it was okay. Jess told me that it was the best orgasm he has ever had in his entire life. I think again (like the last time) it was because I gave Jess all the attention and made sure he was in feeling good. I mean, really gave him attention, maybe 40 minutes of it. When he was done, he blew like a rocket and let out a groan, the likes of which I have never heard from him. He shook and said he was dizzy and couldn't catch his breath for what seemed like 20 minutes. He even stayed rock hard for almost 30 minutes after. What was that all about. Jess told me "well that just raised the bar" for my sexual encounters. Oh great! By the way, I didn't cum.When he was done, I tried but no good. My mind was preoccupied. I left his place at 2:30am. Jess told me to stay, but I knew he wanted me to leave.

I'm on my own with this. I miss Jess! I love Jess!

1 comment:

drew said...

wish I could take away the pain, but I can't. Unfortunately you are the only one that can deal with this. I am very sorry you are going through this. The sooner you recognize where you need to go with your life the sooner the pain will subside. your readers all want whats best for you. if writing helps keep it up!!