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Saturday, May 29, 2010

I Can't Accept Or Continue To Deal With All The Shit I Keep Taking From Jess. I'm Such A Sad Clown!

I think I am done. Something in my head (I know you are all saying that I am a dumb-ass and should have come to this conclusion a lot sooner) is telling me to end this now. Ending means to completely cut off any relationship, friendship and/or contact with Jess.  Last night was most likely the end and what finally pushed me over the top. What scares me most is that I won't be strong enough to go the distance on this. I love him so much that I am afraid that I can be lured back by Jess or even worse still, that I will breakdown and run back to him, without him making the move to lure me.

Here is what has happened in the last 24 hours.  Jess sent me a text yesterday afternoon, telling me that his friends, a gay young couple from London were coming to stay with him this weekend. They were arriving late Friday night and I assume they are staying through the Memorial Day holiday (Jess has many international friends due to his job which has had him living in many places all over the world). In his text he wrote that he needed to get some prints, paintings and other art work hung up on his walls and he would like to do it before his friends arrive. He would love my help and was I up for it that night. He even wrote that he would compensate me (he didn't use that word) for my efforts by buying me dinner. Shit, isn't this guy my boyfriend, or friend or whatever he is... does he need to "compensate me for my efforts". No way, that's cold! I do it for love, but what the fuck, I'll take dinner.

I got there at 7:00pm. We went right to work. I don't even think Jess kissed me hello. I think I walked over to him and asked him for a hug. He gave me one. We worked three hours. Jess is a taskmaster. He is also bossy as shit, but I take it in stride. Hearing him tell me every twenty minutes of how impossible he is and how can I put up with him is enough to make it right. At 10:00pm we ordered some dinner. By 10:45pm we were back at working his apartment. By now Jess was Windexing the glass in the picture frames and I was putting away all the crap we pulled out of his closet. Then I tackled the dishes from dinner. Click on the jump below to read the rest of this story. I guarantee that it will be a stunner!

Jess started to make it clear to me that his friends plane was landing at 11:40pm at JFK and that they should be to his place not too long thereafter. He said he was going to blow the air mattress up for them and place it in the middle of the living room. He kept dropping hints that made it clear that he didn't expect or want me to be there when they arrived. Why should the man I love and who I have been with want me to be at his apartment on a Friday night at midnight during a holiday weekend, when his friends were heading to his place to visit him. He even mentioned something to the effect that he knows that I don't feel comfortable with meeting these two guys. Where the fuck did that come from? I meet everyone he has ever asked me to meet and I get along great with anyone he has ever introduced to me to. I just got the strong vibe that he didn't want me there.

As always, I began to feel used again. Did he ask me to come over strictly to help him lay out  and hang his paintings? Is that all he wanted? Seems that way. When I asked him what he had planned for the rest of the long weekend, he was vague. So vague that my name wasn't included in the possibilities. Again, I went from being happy and glad to be hanging out with him to feeling sad, lonely, heartbroken and fucked over!

At around 11:15pm I told Jess, that I was going to head out and leave. First, I needed to use the bathroom and I looked for my iPhone so I could check the subway times and my email while I was in there. When I was in the bathroom, I realized that I had grabbed Jess's iPhone and not mine. This was purely an accident and totally innocent.

Anyway, while in the bathroom, my heart began to race. I looked at Jess's incoming email. There they were! Emails from at least two different guys that Jess apparently met online. They were the kinds of emails that I know all too well, like "hey, it was great speaking with you" and "you look really hot, can't wait to meet up" and "where are you located, lets do this soon" and "wow, I love what I see".

My heart was pumping back and forth in my chest like a brick trying to get out of inside of me. I was floored. I should have know, because Jess has always been more or less open about his need to be with others. Then there was the night when I saw Jess's laptop still on the hookup website that he last visited the night before. But, I trusted Jess when he had told me in the recent past that he has never actually met up with anyone. NOW, seeing these emails from different guys made the reality of it all even closer, more obvious and pretty much a sure bet that Jess was either hooking up or pretty fucking damn close to doing so.

I even looked in Jess's outgoing mail folder. There I found emails which Jess sent to these guys. In one email that Jess sent, he actually wrote and gave this dude his street address! Can you fucking believe that!!!

I had enough. Stupidly, I didn't even read or look at his text messages. I was so freaked by this time that I didn't even think about checking that out.  It's so fucked up. Some of Jess's email correspondence were at times that Jess never was able to respond to me. For instance, Wednesday night between 6:00pm and 8:30pm I tried calling, texting and emailing Jess a number of times. He never responded. I knew he was at work and when I later saw him, he told me (like he has a hundred times before) that he was too busy to check his messages, email, etc. and that's why he didn't get back to me. If that was the case then why did Jess have multiple email correspondence that night with one of the guys at 7:30pm!  Bullshit!

I got out of the bathroom and put Jess's iPhone back on the kitchen counter. I got my stuff together and told Jess I was leaving. He said okay and offered to walk me to the subway. Did he once say, "Steve don't go, I want you to hangout and meet my two friends from London. They'll be here in an hour or so. It's not late, it's a Friday night! I want you to stay and hang out, please!" No, he never said that once. Not even anything close!

As I walked out the door of his apartment, I turned and looked at him and said, "have a great weekend, with your friends". I also told him that I accidentally grabbed his iPhone when I went into the bathroom and read all his email correspondence to all his men. I told him that I read where he gave his address, etc. and made a comment or two about how busy he has been. He looked at me and had this sheepish grin on his face like a kid that got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He looked down and all he could say to me was "its all just talk". I looked at him and said, "All just talk? You gave your address out to one of them! That's talk?"  The last thing that I said to him as I walked out the door was "what am I? just some guy that comes over to your apartment to help you hang pictures, clean your dishes and arrange your closet"? With that, I left.

Humiliated, devastated, feeling worthless and used, sad, heartbroken... those are a few of the emotions and thoughts that I was thinking and going through as I walked alone to the subway.

I need to move on! I don't know how I am going to do it, but I accept and realize that I need to.

Jess sent me a email last night at around 1:30am. Here is what it said:

Hey Steve --

Thanks for coming over tonight and helping me with my place. It looks 
great. You really have a knack for this kind of stuff.

As for emails and behaviors, I want to explain to you that yes, I have 
kept my eyes open and even had email correspondence with a few guys 
(2). They saw my photos and emailed me. I emailed back, flattered by 
the attention. One asked where I lived and I told him. I have not contacted either of 
them since. I have not met them, either. As I told you, I've not been 
with anyone. So I really haven't been busy at all. I wish you would 
have talked to me instead of rush off, but I understand that you were 
dealing with your own stuff at the time (if I had been seeing other 
people, this would have been too close to a repeat of past experiences 
for you).

So there you have it. I hope you had a safe night.


I think that the line "if I had been seeing other people, this would have been too close to a repeat of past experiences for you" was Jess making a reference to my last boyfriend (I've only had three boyfriends in my life - Jess is the third) which was three years ago. That guy cheated on me with numerous hookups that he. It was as if if he had a secret life.

This morning I got another email from Jess at around 11:30am. All it said was:


And lastly, I got a text message from him at approximately 12 noon.  Here it is:

Hey -- are you ever going to talk to me again? I wish you would trust 
me when I tell you I have not been with anyone. But I thought we were 
dating other people -- I'm confused. I thought you were telling me 
that we were friends and you were OK with that. Whatever the case, I 
need you to know that I love you.

So that is what happened. Needless to say that I am back down into the pits again. I'm sad and heartbroken! How can he do this to me and to us? My birthday is next weekend. Happy fucking birthday to me!

1 comment:

drew said...

I hate to post a comment because there isn't much to add. I hate that you are going through this but you are the one that has to make the move here. Good luck with it..