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Sunday, May 30, 2010

All I Can Say Is That You Must Read This!!

I still haven't spoken with Jess. Last I wrote on my blog was that he sent me those two text messages. Things soon after that became really sad. Jess called my telephone at 2:50pm. Of course I didn't answer the phone, I couldn't. He left a message that really said nothing but showed me how much he was hurting. The message was quiet and only mentioned my name. There were long pauses, mostly quiet and Jess only saying that he was having a hard time.

I went to the gym and when I got done there were two texts from Jess, one telling me how "pathetic" he was and the other telling me that he left me a "pathetic" email. He left me an email?  Great, I was almost, happy to hear from him but once I began to read the email, I found that it was not at all what I expected!

It was a total shock. Jess's email knocked the wind out of me, scared the shit out of me and left me feeling even worse then I felt before. Click on the jump below to read Jess's sad email.

Hey Steve --

I've started this three times and can't get it off the ground. I don't 
like that I can't talk to you. I'm sorry for all the times I wouldn't 
talk to you. Jeez what an asshole I was. I just didn't know how to 
handle that much emotion. I'm sorry for picking on you. You're right, 
each jab should be accompanied by an equally affectionate gesture. I'm 
sorry about that, too. I know how hard you have tried to show me how 
much you care. I'm so so sorry I didn't respect that more. I care so 
much about you but I'm terrible at showing it. I know you know that. 
There is a block in me that stops people from getting in. I told you I 
needed help with that and haven't done it. I'm sorry about that, too. 
Steve, I made all the mistakes. I was holding on to an poisonous life as 
a coping mechanism. I'm sorry about that. You are the best thing that 
has ever happened to me and I don't know how to handle that. What's 
wrong with me? I woke up this morning and saw all the paintings hung 
so artistically and smiled at the memories. Then I saw you leave in my 
mind and my heart sunk. Then a flood of memories came rushing in and
I did what I could to hold it all together. I was walking around with my
friends and had to let them wander NYC on their own. I couldn't handle 
it and all I could think about was you.

I don't know what to do. I'm not fixed. I'm a mess.  I don't know what 
else to write. I hate thinking about how you must be feeling. How did 
we ever grow to have so much power over each other?

I'm sorry for everything Steve. I'm sorry for being distant. I'm sorry 
for not telling you enough how much I love you. I'm sorry for hurting 
you. I'm sorry for being such a mess that you have tried and tried to 
engage. I'm sorry for being unclear. I'm sorry for lacking the ability 
to love as deeply and completely as you do. I'm just sorry. I'm so 

You are incredible. You are so far ahead of me in relationships. You 
are right about me struggling inside (maybe you read my journal). I'm 
just lost and part of me has given up on happiness. I do quite a bit 
of damage to myself. I deserve to be ignored. I don't deserve anyone 
as good as you. I'll never be healthy enough for someone as good as 
you. I need to give that up.

I'm going down a bad road here. I can't help it. I don't see anything 
good happening in the near future. This is going to be a terrible 
couple of weeks at work where I will once again show everyone how 
stupid and incapable I am. I deserve that, too. Jesus this is getting 
out of control. I should not send this.

OK, I'm reeling myself in. But I am sending this. Maybe you will 
delete it or maybe it will go into your junk mail. Maybe you've cut me 
off to be sure you stay healthy. I deserve that, too.

I'm a mess Steve. I need help. I'm sorry.


This email blew me away! I sat there with my eyes fixed in a stare and just gazed at it again and again. Yes, this email gives me some sort of validation... to everything I have been feeling, but, now that I am reading it, I feel as if I always knew this and never really needed to hear Jess tell me this. Fuck, this email kills me. It breaks my heart and throws me deeper into pain then I was before. But wait, this isn't about me. This is about Jess, and he is suffering as well, even more. I love him and can't stand to see him like this. What do I do?

What the fuck do I do?

I immediately decided that I can't ignore him. That would be a tactic, a game and a ploy and I am above that. Especially with someone that I love as much as i love Jess. I kept the email short. I didn't want to go into anything about me. But I wanted him to know I am here. That's exactly what I wrote and all that I wrote. Here is my email to Jess.

Dear Jess,
I got your email.  It broke my heart more then it already is.  I Just wanted you to know that I am here!


Last night I couldn't get my mind off Jess and his email.I thought I would hear back from him after I sent my email, albeit brief as it was. I never did. I called his phone at around 10;15pm and he didn't answer. I asked him to please, please contact me and let me know that he is alright. I asked him to call, text or reach out in any way at all so that I know he is alright. He didn't!

It is now Sunday morning at 11:00am and I still haven't heard a word from Jess. Not a phone call or message, text or email. I am scared. I called Jess's friend Mary, who is also my friend. I've been confiding and telling Mary about all of whats been going on. I had to tell someone about this. She has been worried too. Mary also texted Jess last night with a simple "are you okay?"  As of last night, she hadn't heard from him either. Anyway, I called Mary this morning at 10:30am to tell her that I still hadn't heard from him and I'm worried as hell. Mary told me that Jess sent her a text at 10:00am and all it said was "I'm fine."

He sent her a text!!!!!!  What about me!!!!!!  What about the email he sent me yesterday telling me how hard it was not talking to me and how much of an asshole he was in the past when he ignored me and put me through the pain that he is going through now! What about the fact that I wouldn't and couldn't ignore him, no matter what he did against or to me and responded to that email he sent with an email saying "I'm here!".

What about all that? What is going on?!!!!!!

1 comment:

drew said...

Jess is telling you he is damaged goods. Believe him and move on. You can't change him. That is what he is really telling you...