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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Missing Jess On A Beautiful Thursday In NYC

It is a beautiful day here in NYC. The sky is deep blue and the temperature is in the low 80's. Unfortunately, I feel like shit. My stomach is all over the place and I don't feel great. Of course I don't. I walk around sad inside and stressed about Jess as well as about Oliver coming to town tonight from Denmark to stay with him for five days.

I had to take a break from work. I took a long lunch and went to the park. The same park that Jess and I and Mary went to a few weekends back. We had a great time and I haven't been back there since. Everything reminds me of Jess, regardless of where I go but I thought it would be a good place to go alone and think (do I really need to think more about Jess, I think about him 24/7 as it is). 

Jess sent me a text message early this morning telling me that his Blackberry is now up and running and he can finally text again. He wasn't able to text from that phone since yesterday morning, although he was able to text from his iPhone. I sent him a fairly simple text back. Since then, I haven't heard from him and of course I'm not going to call or text him. I mean today is "Oliver" day and besides, I'm trying to be somewhat detached and not so available. 

Guess what! While I am writing this blog, Jess just phoned. I let it go to voicemail. He sounded tense and said he has been mad busy all day with work and is just getting a chance to get some lunch now (4:15pm). He said that he will speak to me later. I think I'll do the right thing and call him back (in an hour), hopefully I can get his machine and leave him a message. I feel really uncomfortable today about talking to him and holding back and hiding how I feel about mentioning anything to him regarding Oliver coming tonight and staying with him through the weekend. This will be one of the first weekends in a really long time that I can remember not being with Jess. 

Today is a tough day for me and I'm sure that the entire weekend and Monday will be equally tough if not tougher. I wonder how Jess will handle this while Oliver is here with him. Will he text me? Email me? Call me? Sleep with Oliver? Are he and Oliver going to reestablish their emotional connection and continue with their long distance relationship or will Jess realize that Oliver is not for him but more important, that I am for him! Will Jess have a great weekend with Oliver or will he get moody and shut down with him as he has done with me so often. I have no idea as the the answers to any of these questions, I may never get to know.

Check out my next blog post for some really pretty pics of the park that I went to today. I think they are beautiful. Keep in mind that I took them with an iPhone so the quality may not be that great.

2 comments:

SteveA said...

I know the feeling about walking around feeling sick from loving someone so much that it hurts....but maybe Jess just has to do this with Oliver!

My Big Itch said...

Maybe he does. Did you get to read my latest blog entry (first entry for Friday 5/21) I talk about what Jess may be going through but at this point, I know really nothing at all!!