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Sunday, May 9, 2010

The Worst Sunday That I Can Remember!

Not quite sure as to exactly what happened today.  Jess was in a really bad place last night. Yesterday afternoon was tough.  I was hanging with Jess and we made plans to do the day and night together.  Jess was all about himself again and once we got started and as the day seemed as if if was going to be great, Jess retreated, and made it clear that he needed to be alone.  I was again, whipped back into being a combination of sad, annoyed, confused and hurt.  Oh shit, here we go again.

So as not to bore you all as well bore myself, let me jump ahead.  You already read in the previous post that we came back to the apartment in the mid to late afternoon.  Jess, crawled into bed (I guess I was too direct and too honest in my discussion of how I was feeling).  Shit, I hate when he feels bad and I hate it more when he is sad.  I don't like to see anyone sad, especially Jess, someone I love so much.  I crawled into bed and yep, as you read below, great make-up sex occurred!  Then a nap and then smiles.  Jess told me that he just needs to be alone sometimes.  So you mean if you ask me over to hang out and spend the day and night, its quite possible that when I get there, you may tell me that you want to be alone and I should go and do my own thing?  Jess responds, "yes".  Back to the smiles after his nap.  Were they smiles that means the underlying issues were solved?  Hell no, it was all swept away neatly and placed under the rug until the next time which as you will read occurred that night.

Jess needed to get his "review" completed.  It was weighing heavily on his mind and yes, when something weighs heavy on Jess's mind, then watch out.  It might not be pretty or at the least, you must disappear in a vast realm of irrelevancy. Anyway Jess was going to head over (alone) to his art studio where he wanted to do some work (not his review) and he would find me at around 10pm so he and I and Mary (who was going to meet me to hang with me) could take a walk and hang out in this really cool coffee bar where laptops, tons of people doing work, and tons of cute guys, and lots of locals hang out.  Fine, it was a plan!  Set for10pm!  Fast forward to midnight and Mary and I are still waiting for Jess who is frustrated and annoyed at work he was doing or trying to do at his studio.  Needless to say that Jess no longer wanted to go to the Coffee Bar in the Village.  Mary and I were dumbfounded.  We decided to be sympathetic to Jess and I also decided to hold back my impatience and my disappointment for being placed in the "not important enough to do what I wanted to do or even call me back" column!  Especially since Jess and I had a rough afternoon and then great make-up sex, I was mentally exhausted.  I had to let this episode pass with calling Jess out on it.  I did exactly that.  Came home to his place.  He went to bed, I was wide awake but it was late.  I got into bed, starred at the ceiling and within 5 minutes, my Ambien kicked in.

Sunday morning, woke early, around 8:30am.  Today would be hell.  I am so drained right now (Sunday night that this will be as brief as possible).  There was distance right from the get go.  Actually, we hugged good morning and for a brief 30 minutes, it seemed like we might have a good day.  Regardless, I had to head home to meet my family by 3:00pm for Mothers Day Dinner.  Jess and I made some coffee, had some conversation and after a little while it became obvious that things hadn't changed much since the day before.  It was going to be a hard day.

Jess talked about how he needed to be "independent" and how he again (for the 10th time) feels he isn't relationship material and how torn he is. He summed it up perfectly I think.  He said, we are two people who love each other a tremendous amount but who can't just seem to get it together.  Jess welled up, his eyes started to water and he started to cry.  It wasn't the obvious boo-hoo type of crying.  It was subtle, it was sad, it broke my heart!  I hate to see him that way.  I rarely do, as a matter of fact, I've never seen Jess cry.  I couldn't stand it.  I tried with all my heart and soul to remain composed, I felt myself going to lose it.  I did.  We both lost it.  I think we both know that he and maybe I just can't get this to work.  It was the worst day I can remember.  Jess cred a lot. Does this mean he finally realizes that he can't be with me?  Or is he realizing that I can't take much more?  Or both?

I left his apartment, red eyes and empty again, alone again.  What the fuck am I doing.  I love this guy!  I went out, to pull it together, to get some breakfast for us, to leave Jess alone, so he can pull himself together too.

I came back 40 minutes later.  Jess was still on the sofa, still in his sweats (pj's

We hung out in the apartment.  I decided to clean his place up.  Jess always feels good when his home is clean and I was all about making every effort to make Jess feel good.  We cleaned, hardly spoke! Swollen red eyes was the recipe for the day.  At 3:00pm it was time for me to leave.  We said very little.  We hugged goodbye.  Jess walked me half way to the subway and then turned to go nowhere but just in a different direction.  His eyes were tearing and it was happening again.  I started to.  Fuck this is awful.  I just walked away.  I turned around  three times to look at Jess and each time I did, he turned around at the very same time to look at me.  I love him!

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