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Sunday, May 9, 2010

A Sad Email From Jess

So its Sunday night and I got home from my Mom's Mother's Day Dinner at 8:00pm.  Had fun with the family but obviously couldn't stop thinking about Jess.  He is always with me.  Today was such a tough, emotional day that I went right from Jess to meet my family.  No time to even change my clothes, no time for my swollen eyes to get back to normal. No one noticed a thing.  Besides, they hardly even know about Jess. They know I have a friend named Jess, that's it.  That too breaks my heart.  I'll save that story for a different day.

Jess sent me a text.  He said he was sad and having a hard time.  He asked me to take a drive to Maine to visit a relative with him on Saturday.  We could stay the weekend.

What do I do.  How can I?  I'm torn, Jess only needs to ask me to do something or go somewhere and I'm there, no questions asked.  I love being with him, anywhere.  But with today and what it meant.  How can I?

I wrote him an email and explained that too him.  He responded with this email. (Read Jess's email on the other side of the jump).

Hey Steve --

I completely understand what you mean.  You captured the uncertainty and the confusion.  I felt sick today.  I really felt horrible when you left. (I'm writing all this stuff right off the top of my head, too.  So this will probably be a series of random thoughts.)

When we parted on the street I went to the Met to get Kleenex.  The Met reminded me of you.  Then I went home and as soon as I got in the door I fell apart -- in a freaky way.  I saw your note and then I was really bawling.  I felt completely lost.  I regained control about an hour later.  I just wore myself out!  I realized how much you have given me and I was faced with the prospect of possibly losing it.  I almost got on a subway and went to see you.  I would have waited there until you were done with dinner.  But then I realized that the decision is not just mine to make. And there were a lot of issues that were raised this weekend that, as you said, need to be resolved.

First, I know that I love you and I love you more than anyone I've ever loved before.  (OK, there haven't been a TON of people, but still...)  But I get this feeling that neither of us are ready for a relationship for different reasons.  We each have things we need to work out individually before we can offer the other a healthy companion.  I know that is the case with me.  I've let you in on a little bit of my stuff.  But you need to remember that I have always been honest with you.  I definitely meant what I said today when I said that it is two lonely people who love each other but can't seem to make it work.  I had the same questions today:  What isn't happening?  Why doesn't this work?   It's been 9 months...   

I was sick all day being I was mourning the loss of something.  It felt like a funeral in some ways.  The end of something, you know?  But I couldn't put my finger on what happened.  It's clear that what we were doing (or not doing) wasn't working.  Maybe it was all me.  I honestly don't even know.  Like I said before, I love you.  I know that.  I want to be sure you are in my life.

You know, sometimes I think we rushed fate with meeting online.  It's as though we were supposed to meet in a year or two when were more ready for a relationship.  But we jumped the gun that night when we met. You've said that you wouldn't be able to be a friend if it meant I was dating, etc.. I understand that, and I don't want more days like today. That's a decision for you to make.  As far as New Hampshire is concerned, that's also up to you.  It would be fun and I could make the adjustment.  But again, I totally understand if it's not something you want to do.  

Anyway, bottom line (again) is that I love you.  If it's better for you to take time from me in order to keep me, please do so.  

I'm not going to go on.  I have already been thinking and writing for too long.

Love, love love love you.  Will always love you.

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