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Thursday, May 6, 2010

Thought About Jess And This Guy Bjorn All Day, And Here Is Where I'm At With It

Okay, so here is where I am at with this all.  I think I'm going to list the positives of this situation and the negatives.  Here I go:

Negative aspects about this guy Bjorn with Jess:

  • Jess really liked this guy when he met him at a party about 5 weeks before Jess met me.
  • Jess said he was really attracted to Bjorn and that Bjorn was hot!
  • Bjorn is a high level official with the Swiss government.  I'd see that as being impressive and quite sexy.
  • Jess says that although they both really liked one another a lot, they didn't have enough time together to see where this was all going since Bjorn had already planned to leave NYC.
  • Jess says that Bjorn was "difficult" meaning he was sometimes confused and not emotionally available to Jess. That's kind of the way Jess is with me.  So, my logic tells me that Jess may find guys who he has to run after as attractive, as long as he doesn't have to run too hard.
  • Bjorn from what I can see (his pictures) is exactly Jess's type. Masculine, dark hair, intelligent, successful, in good shape (from what I can see) and plays somewhat "hard to get".  I have no clue as to what causes humans to like this last trait, but we call can agree that on some level it is true!
  • Bjorn is back in town (not sure if he is back temporarily or permanently.
  • Jess is always horny and has made no bones about that fact that he likes new, exciting sex with guys.  He prefers that to comfortable, monogamous sex which he has not yet been able to relate to and deal with.
  • Even though Jess and Bjorn had a sexual relationship, according to Jess, it was more then nine months ago and didn't last too long because Bjorn moved out of NYC. Therefore, I deduce that sex with Bjorn, from Jess's perspective would be "new, exciting, hot sex" versus "comfortable, boring, monogamous sex".
  • Jess is insecure at times.  I believe this causes him to get moody and depressed.  I think it could be chemical (bi-polar) or just self esteem issues.  He sometimes feels unattractive, no matter how often I tell him he is hot, cute, sexy etc.  I think hearing that from me doesn't pack the same punch as it used to.  I feel that sex with someone else, especially a guy like Bjorn who Jess likes would serve to boost his ego and not only make his body feel good but would also boost his self esteem.
  • Another thing is, how come Jess is so opened to talk to me about this Bjorn guy.  He literally asked me eight or nine times to "talk to me about this" and let me know your feelings".  He seemed to be intrigued and titillated by Bjorn's call and him being back in town.  Maybe, just maybe Jess's conscious is kicking in and he is clearing it and letting me know that, Bjorn is special, and something could or will happen.  
Positive aspects about this guy Bjorn with Jess:
  • I can't really think of anything positive, except, maybe I need to settle down and just see what happens.  If Jess decides to see Bjorn and sleep with him, then hopefully he will tell me about it and we can discuss it. after the fact or even before. Then, maybe the discussion will be that he (Jess) wasn't able to do it because he was conflicted about me and that he cares too much for me and wants things to work out with us. Uh, that's probably not the way its going to shake out, but why not add something positive in this column.
Funny, because Jess did tell me last night something interesting.  For some reason, by the way, I don't want Jess to think I am jealous or overly concerned, even though I probably am.  I want to be strong about this since I've been a weak little wuss about other issues and conflicts with Jess in the past, the recent past actually.  Anyhow, I asked Jess (and I might be repeating myself here) if he was going to sleep with Bjorn.  I should have just asked him if he was drooling and dripping for Bjorn and was he going to fall in love with him, but that would have been fucking ridiculous!  Jess's answer was, "I don't think so, because I would be too conflicted and thinking about you (me)".  Yea, let me go puke, I'll be right back (kidding).

Jess telling me that, while he and I are alone together and having dinner and Bjorn is no where in site is one thing.  Lets see if he would tell me that when he is sitting in Bjorn's room, with a full throttle erection, and Bjorn breathing on his neck. 

Bottom line, is I need to be strong and have pride and dignity here.  Maybe Jess needs to be with someone, (I know he does, but didn't expect it to be an old boyfriend who left town before he could really see where the relationship was headed) to realize that its me he really wants and me who really satisifes him on all levels.  Or, the flip side could be that maybe Bjorn will be the man who shows Jess that I am not the one Jess really wants and that Jess doens't need to feel that he has to stay with me because he (Jess) has options and others do indeed desire him.

I will end this post with the following email that Jess sent to me early this morning.  He obviously sent it to me with the entire Bjorn issue fresh in his and my mind.  Read it and decide for yourself what it means.  I would appreciate any comments on this should anyone reading my blog have any.  Thanks and I will keep you all posted on how this turns out.  Here is the email:

Hey Steve -- I love you. That's the main thing you should remember.  

Thanks for coming by tonight. You helped me eat better, avoid trashy  
TV AND get a chunk of my review finished. That was very productive.  
But best of all, I got to see you. Have a safe trip home. I'm in bed  
already with lights out. XOXO

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