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Friday, June 11, 2010

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream And Jess. I Know This Is Crazy, But Love Is Fucking Crazy Sometimes!

Wednesday night I went to my local grocery store. Sometimes they have awesome sales going on. This particular day they had a sale on all Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream and FroYo. I'm not a big ice cream eater, but Jess is. And who the fuck am I always thinking about? Jess! The sale price was really good $1.95 per pint. So like an asshole, I sent Jess a text message (just another way of me to keep our communication going) and told him about it and asked if he wanted me to pick him up any. (Jess, although he makes a great living, is cheap as hell and loves a great bargain). He was crazy busy with work that night and sent me a text early the next morning. In it he asked, well if the offer is still on he would love Ben & Jerry's FroYo Cherry Garcia and Mint Chocolate Cookie.

That was all I needed to hear. I got right on it. Sometime during my day on Thursday, I headed back to the grocery store  and with my fingers crossed that they would even have those two flavors, I rummaged through the sale section for Ben & Jerry's in the freezer. Fuck, they had it! I bought two of each flavor for him. Maybe this will make Jess's ass even fuller and plumper, but wait, that's not gonna be for me!

So with the Ben & Jerry's in my freezer, I decided that I would head out to Jess at around 7:30pm last night. I knew he was going to be working late (he has worked till 10:00pm each night this week, its make him grumpy as hell and all he talks about is how much he hates his job). Why do I continue to put myself through all this torture and heartache? Because I fucking love Jess! Click on the jump below to read more and find out exactly what happened.

I put the ice cream into a cheap, small freezer bag that I had and added two of those frozen blocks that are supposed to keep things cold. I was hoping that it would keep the B&J's cold so it didn't melt as I crossed town.

I had the keys to Jess's apartment. Remember, I got them back the other night, kinda weird, but having them makes me feel like Jess still has "something" for me. I wasn't going to just go into his apartment, I never did that. It kind of creeps me out and makes me feel "stalkerish" so I called Jess as well as texted him and told him that I had the B&J and asked if I could drop them off and put them into his freezer. I also asked (sheepishly) if I could hang out there and wait for him (please, please) until he comes home.

It took almost 40 minutes for Jess to reply. He said he was in meetings all day. And that he was going to be at work till 11:00pm and that he hates his job sometimes. He said, yes, that I could go into his apartment and drop off the ice cream even though it probably is already melted (he had no idea that I had the freezer bag - I'm not that fucking stupid, only pathetically in love and doing pathetic things).

Here is the email chain we both sent to one another:
  • Email From Jess To Me
Hey –

I need to change computers and write a few things and won’t be accessing this email for a bit. You can drop off the ice cream! I’m sure it must be melted by now! Whoops. I think it is going to be a late one for me. I’m a little bit uncomfortable with you hanging out at my place. I know, it seems weird. I’m not nervous that you are going to take anything or crazy stuff like that. I don’t know how to explain it. I’d rather be there if you are hanging around.
---------end of email

Okay, so with the fucking ice cream in my bag, I felt like a total "used" pathetic douche bag. How low could I go. I'm bringing this shit to him and he tells me to drop it off and leave. Wow, I felt like total shit. Here is what I wrote him back and then the subsequent emails that he sent to me. Read it and weep or wonder, what the fuck is going on here.
  • Email From Me To Jess
I dropped off the B&J as well as a few other things. I stayed literally 5 minutes, enough time to do that and leave you a note. I hope you enjoy the B&J's. It's really sad for me to know you aren't even comfortable with me in your home. Just so you know, I would never steal or vandalize anything of yours or disrespect your privacy. Anyway, I'm already gone from your place. The irony of this is that I need to stop caring so much -- and maybe then I will stop humiliating myself! Hey if you find my dignity lying around, let me know... I could use it back.

  • Email From Jess To Me
Oh – Steve.  Don’t say stuff like that! I HATE that. I know you would never steal anything. I feel weird because I’m afraid you would check out my computer and see what I’ve been surfing or something. I know that is paranoid, but I got a little paranoid after that email incident. You aren’t humiliating yourself. Come have some pizza with me.  I know it is a subway ride, but I need something to look forward to.  I literally will be here for another few hours. Please?
  • Email From Me To Jess
Tell me where and what time?
  • Email From Jess To Me
Excellent! Is it raining? Meet me on the corner of 59th and Madison on the NE side at 9:30.  Is that too soon?
  • Email From Me To Jess
Not raining. And 9:30 is fine.
  • Email From Jess To Me
OK.  Great!  See you then!

So, I went up town to see Jess. I was really glad to see him, even if it was a hassle to drag my ass all the way to him, but it was a nice night and I was getting to see Jess. I knew he was going to be in a really grumpy mood because of work. I just hope that I wasn't doing a dumb thing by going all the way to see him and then getting disappointed when he treats me like shit because of his mood. It's a chance I was willing to take. If I didn't go, I felt that I would be dishonest to myself about what I really wanted to do. That would be a game and sometimes games backfire. I wanted to see him and I was going. I knew it was going to be for only 15 or 20 minutes. But that was enough for me. I was on my way.

I met Jess on the corner like he said. He was stressed out and tense. He had this report to file and he was going to be there working till 11:00pm or later. He bitched a lot and pretty much all we talked about was his work, his project, his stress, his job and how he hates it. Down deep inside, I think Jess really likes his job but he is one of those personality types that needs to bitch and complain about it all the fucking time. I let him say what he needed. I was there, for support and for company for him. But, I was really there because I love him and just wanted to fucking see him. Sick huh? God help me!

Jess grabbed two slices of pizza from this greasy 99cent pizza stand. He didn't even have time to eat it. He took it back to his office with him. He apologized about his mood (like I'm not used to it) and also apologized about the not staying in his apartment comment. He said (like he did in his email) that he was paranoid that I would see all the smut and shit he was doing and looking at and going to on his laptop which is in his living room. I assured him that I never would do that, but then again, I did go and look at his email on his iPhone that night (thinking it was my iPhone) and I understand how that may have eroded Jess's trust and security with me. That being said, I pulled out his apartment keys that I had in my pocket and quietly said, then here, you are going to want these back. He looked at me and said "no, I don't want them back - I want you to keep them".

Weird right? Why does he then still want me to have his apartment keys when he can easily just take them back. In my mind, I think and hope that it's because Jess still loves me and wants me to have something that only someone really important in his life would have. I want to believe that Jess doesn't want to let go of me.

Jess asked me to walk him the two blocks back to his office. I've seen it before from far but he took me right to the door this time. It's a huge building, very impressive. As we were standing there, Jess saw a co-worker of his who he is somewhat a little friendly with. The man was walking in a different direction and Jess called out his name. The man stopped walking and came over to Jess and all that Jess said was that he wanted to introduce him to me (referred to me as my friend, Steve). I shook the mans hand and he gave me a long glance. I'm sure the man had heard of me or had known who I was. (Jess had told me after he left that this guy was gay too and was in a long term relationship). This guy was also at Jess's birthday party back in May which I didn't go to. This is why I'm thinking that he must have heard about "Steve" and knew who I was.

Anyway, Jess went back to work and I headed home. Oh, Jess said he needed to pay me for the ice cream but didn't pull a dime out of his wallet. He is cheap as hell, but I love him regardless. I'll keep buying him Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream forever if he wants.

The following is a chain of text messages that Jess and I had later that night. Not much was said, but at least he was communicating. I'll let you decide as to what it all means.
  • Text From Jess to Me:
Hey-- I am leaving work. I got as far as I could without sticking those comments we were talking about into the report. Thanks for visiting and for the ice cream, etc. Very  thoughtful! I'm not looking forward to tomorrow but I'm trying not to obsess! BTW -- pizza was not a great choice! Ugh. Hugs, Jess
  • Text From Me To Jess
Not sure why, but I still like being with you.
  • Text From Jess To Me
Thanks for the compliment!? :-) I like being with you, too. You are a great guy. I am literally on my way to bed. LONG day tomorrow.
  • Text From Jess To Me
Just saw my treats. Thanks! Will bring some to work for my next late night! (Ugh) Good night!

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