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Sunday, June 13, 2010

Jess Lashes Out At Me On The Telephone, Again!

Things with Jess since my last post have been really quiet, except for an incident that occurred yesterday (Saturday). We last spoke on Thursday night when I went to see him outside of work for 30 minutes. We exchanged a few brief text messages on Friday but they were mostly about HIS work again and how he hates it and how he is stressing out (same old thing). Friday night I went out and noticed that he sent me his last text at around 10:00pm simply letting me know that he was first leaving work. I think I responded to that at around 12:30am by saying that I hope he was getting a good nights sleep and much needed rest. Saturday morning when I awoke, I got a new text from Jess, still stressing over work. He said that he had to spend a few hours during the morning with "work people".  I responded with a simply "have fun".  How much can I keep responding about his work all the time so I kept it brief and simple.

At around 1:00pm I assumed he was done with his work people since he had written and said it was a morning thing. I think between the hours of 1-4:30pm I called him a bunch of times and even emailed and texted him. I got no response. Like always, when he doesn't respond to me, i take it personally. Click on the jump below to read more about the blowup that occurred between Jess and I later that day on the phone.

I ended up meeting with Mary at around 4:00pm and I told her what was going on, again. I told her that Jess wasn't responding to any of my calls and texts and emails. She told me that Jess and her were supposed to go to Ellen's "going away" party that night. Ellen is moving to California at the end of the month. Remember, i went with Jess to her birthday party in Brooklyn last month. I guess with all that's been going on with Jess and I, Jess decided against taking me with him this time, and rightly so.

What really annoyed me and caused me even more anxiety was that Jess wrote Mary a simple text at around 4:00pm and told her that he didn't think he was feeling up to going to Ellen's party.

I began to wonder, why he wrote to Mary and why he has been ignoring me. I began to think that something was wrong, we me, or with Jess or with us. Maybe he is in another really bad mood, I mean he has been in one all week.

Mary and I had an emotional time during the afternoon. She told me that Jess was coming to her place on Sunday night (she has HBO) to watch the first show of True Blood. Jess loves that show and he doesn't have HBO. She kept wondering with me why does he do this to you? Either cut you lose or reel you in, something!

Finally, at 5:00pm Jess telephoned me. I answered. He was in a really bad mood as I expected. He told me that and then it started. Jess started talking to me like I was garbage. Almost yelling at me without getting really loud. Almost cursing me out without using curse words. He was as rude and as nasty to me as I have ever heard. All thought the 20 minutes conversation (if you can call it that) I was calm and pretty  much being a huge pussy telling Jess that I care and am there for him and want to help and blah, blah, blah.

Jess didn't want none of it. He kept telling me that he hates work, and that I "pester" him and he wants me and people to leave him alone. He was out of control. He told me that he doesn't want to see me and that all he wants to do is go to sleep and take a nap before his party that he has to go to (Ellen's). He finally hung up on me. I was of course devastated again, but by this time I was used to his treatment. I was happy that I was totally calm and rational and spoke in a friendly way during that call. I'm sure my blood pressure was through the roof, but I wasn't going to do anything or say anything that would give Jess another excuse to be more pissed off at me or ignore me for perhaps an indefinite period of time.  It's fucked up that I have to be so afraid like that, but I don;t want to lose him more then I already have or think I have.

I told Mary what happened. I never told Jess that I was at Mary's and never told him that the reason I kept calling him so much during the day was because he responded to Mary and I was concerned why he didn't respond to me. After all, Jess and i were boyfriends and I love him and I have a hard time letting go. I told him that.

Here is Jess's somewhat of an apology to me that he emailed this morning:

Hey Steve --

I'm sorry about grouching at you yesterday. I was (am) really grouchy 
this weekend. Part of it is because I feel really tapped out from last 
week's endless work and the other part is because I feel anxious about 
next week's work. In between (this weekend) is my only rest and 
recuperation time and I don't have the mental energy for much. I was 
hoping to keep to myself but that obviously won't work with the plans 
I felt obligated to make with friends in town, etc...

I know I need to do better about balancing my work and my free time 
but I'm not there yet and I let it get the best of me. And worse yet, 
I let it bleed into my friendships. I really am sorry about that. (I 
skipped Ellen's farewell because I just couldn't deal with people -- as 
you sensed over the phone!)

I'm not in a very good place with myself right now but I'm trying to 
get out of it. I actually want to go to work and just do things so 
that if I get into trouble tomorrow I can say I was there, even if I 
wasn't doing the right things. It's kind is sick and I can't wait 
until I move to my other job.

I write all this to explain where I'm coming from. You need to know 
that this state I'm in affects all my relationships. Other ones give 
me space to push through this. You seem to have a hard time with that 
and interpret it as directed at you, which isn't the case.

Anyway, I was hoping that keeping to myself would help yesterday, but 
I'm still freaked about work. I'm going to work on that today. Don't 
worry so much if I don't call back or reply in a text right away. I 
just don't do that. (My sister joked that my mom asked her if I'd been 
kidnapped -- it had been so long since I'd called.)

Again, I'm sorry. I'm working on it! I really am. I don't like feeling 
this way at all and I'm trying to get out of it.


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