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Sunday, June 20, 2010

The Climax Resulting From Months Of Frustration! I Finally Lost It!

Okay, well, I finally blew it with Jess. Although in my opinion Jess treats me like shit, makes me feel used and talks to me sometimes, worse then you would talk to your enemy, I was the one who finally lost my cool. Sure, Jess has argued with me and lost his temper (on the phone with me last Saturday for example) but for some reason, Jess always is the one who never gets blamed. No one but me ever gets to see Jess the way I see him at time. Everyone knows he is difficult but no one ever gets the brunt of his moods and anger. I do, and I have for a while. I finally lost my patience and my frustration and deep sadness and even my love took control. I blew it and now I've lost Jess forever.  
It is now Sunday morning. I have decided to sit down and write about what happened this past Friday night. Yes, it regards Jess, doesn't it always!! This will be a long blog entry but I guarantee you that it will be worth reading if you are interested in hearing about how I finally reached my breaking point with Jess and let my frustration and anger and complete sadness out. I warn you that this might be sad! Click on the jump below to read what happened.

The last time I wrote about Jess and I was sometime on Wednesday I think. Things were pretty decent. If you remember, I had sold Jess's four chairs online and he was thrilled that I got him $200.00 for them. I had gone to his apartment (I had the key, remember) to clean them first and then meet with the lady who was picking them up. I did all this while Jess was at work. He called me as he was walking home and wanted to take me to dinner. We had a fun time and it was a great dinner. Jess was happy, friendly and our conversation was almost as if it was when we first met. We went back to his apartment and talked and listened to music for an hour and then I left. It was a nice evening.

While I was at Jess's apartment, he and I measured his living room windows. For months he had told me that he wanted to get solar roller shades to cover the big windows because the sun was way to strong and bright during the day and it turned his apartment into a furnace. Jess is cheap and a total researcher and all he could find was a place that sold the shades for about $150.00 each.

Me being the kind of guy that loves to help and being really good at tracking down great bargains and excellent quality, I got right on it. For the past three weeks, maybe longer, I have been researching for Jess where to get the best solar shades (14% allows just the right amount of light in for the plants, etc, while still blocking out most of the light and also allows you to see through them to still enjoy the outside view). Jess was fussy about the color and weave and I had ordered samples from a few different companies.

What was I doing all this for? The last month, maybe more, yes even more, Jess has been treating me like shit and I'm working my ass off to find him fucking solar blinds? Anyway, I was doing it and by Wednesday night, I had the newest sample from a great company. The color was perfect! The price of the blinds were just $51.00 each and he needed two. Total price with free shipping and no tax was around $106.00. Amazing right? Jess loved the color and the style and Wednesday night while I was at his apartment, he said, "lets order them". He was going to use the $100.00 birthday cash gift I gave him weeks ago toward it. Keep in mind Jess forgot my birthday or so he said, and never gave me a card, belated card or gift. That sucks, but I accepted that.

We called the 800 number with all the necessary info to order the shades and damn, they were closed. The ordering department was only open till 9:00pm. I told Jess that I would order them for him tomorrow (the next day) and put it on my American Express card and he could pay me back. He was happy with that. He didn't have to do it, but he trusted me and knows I am meticulous with details. Damn I am sounding pathetic, like Jess did me a favor and allowed me to order his blinds and pay for them too.

Next day, I ordered the blinds and emailed Jess the information. Again, he was thrilled and emailed me back, 'thanks" and told me how amazing I was. What he probably should have said to me was "thanks sucker!" and should have told me that as long as I am a pathetic loser that keeps doing stuff for him, he will keep me around as his occasionally bitch, oh, as long as no one else is available.

That day Jess also emailed me and wrote, "hey how about we work on your place this weekend?" I think I actually posted that email from him on here. I was happy. Jess not only was committing, sort of, to hang out with me this weekend, but he wanted to see me. I wrote back, "sure".

Another thing that I have forgotten to mention that two weeks ago, I had helped Jess hang pictures in his place. He liked the idea's that I had and totally listened to where I recommended that we hang things. He was really happy with the outcome. He also listened to me and took two prints that he had gotten when he was in the far east and had them framed. I told him where I thought they would look good as well.

So, when I wrote back to Jess on Wednesday and said "sure" regarding he and I hanging out this weekend and working on my place, I also mentioned that perhaps the prints he took to the framer would be ready and we can hang them at his place as well.

Things seemed good. At least better then they had been. I hadn't heard from Jess all day Thursday, no text, no emails, no calls. I assumed he was busy. I called him but he didn't answer and didn't respond back. But, Thursday night, things changed, for the worse. Here it goes. It was starting to happen all over again.

Jess called me on the telephone at around 9:00pm. I think I may have blogged about this. If you didn't read it, well you will read about it now.  We talked for a minute or two and he told me that he was going to meet his friend Ellen (who lives in Brooklyn and who is moving out of NYC this weekend for her job. She is heading to the west coast) for dinner. He was waiting for her and wanted to call me to "check in". But he was quiet and I recognized that distant quality. I asked if everything was okay? He said yes. Then he got quiet again. I asked again, why so quiet? He told me that he hates talking on the phone especially when he has nothing to talk about. Oh! wow, I've heard that before from him. I knew what was coming. I decided to cut the negativity off before it got worse. I told him that I understood and that I'd let him get going. Thanked him for calling and said goodbye. Phew! That could have gotten ugly but glad that I did what I thought was the right thing.

Friday, I didn't hear from Jess at all. By this time, with my memory of Thursday nights telephone call this fresh in my mind, I knew that something was up. Something bad was going to happen. I could feel it. I've been there before and this bad feeling that I was getting was very, very familiar.

Like a stupid food, I thought that Jess would call me Friday night as he left work (which he usually does) and that being a weekend, maybe I'd get the chance to see him. I headed over to a Starbucks which was nearer to where he lives (6 blocks away). Like clockwork, at 9:00pm Jess called me. I answered, and he knew that I was somewhere in his neighborhood after I told him which Starbucks I was at. At no point did he ask me to meet him nor did I ask him to meet me.

He told me that he was heading home from work to get a "much deserved massage" and that he was going to turn his phone off. His masseur was going to meet him at his apartment at around 10:00pm. I said okay, great! Then he told me that Ellen wanted to go with him tomorrow (Saturday) to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens and that SHE invited me to come if I wanted to. What??? I thought Jess and I had plans for doing something and why did he say that SHE invited me and not he wanted me to come? Anyway, I said okay -- I wanted to see him. I asked what time. He said that he had no idea and that Ellen hadn't decided. I asked him well then can I come to your place and then we can both head off together to Brooklyn (I have no idea where the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens is). I just assumed that of course thats what we would do. But, he told me he has no idea and he probably won't know till Ellen tells him. He also said that I should just head to Brooklyn on my own and meet them there, but he couldn't tell me what time. So I asked him, Jess, this is a long haul, can't I go with you? He said to me it would be better if I just went myself and met them there. I asked if we were at least going to hang out afterward and do something together as we tentatively planned. He told me "no" and said "he had plans for Saturday night with friends." Fuck! This guy is nuts! I said to him that I thought we were going to spend some time together. He then told me that, well the pictures aren't done yet at the framers. And then he said, let me look in my datebook and see when I can schedule you in when I am free. That made me crazy! But I remained calm, always fearing that even if Jess pushes my buttons or treats me like shit, I need to remain calm because acting any other way would always result in Jess cutting me out of his life. So I waited while he looked in his datebook. Then I blurted out. Jess, do I really need to be "scheduled in?"  I was so fucking annoyed and upset with this, that I said to him (as nice as I could, but by then I'm sure he could hear in my voice that I was upset) I finally said "why don't we forget about me meeting with you and Ellen at Brooklyn Botanical Gardens. And since you are busy with friends, and since you prints aren't ready, then why don't you just call me and let me know when your prints are done and when your new blinds are done and then I can just run over and help you hang them."

God, once again, I was being shit on and I felt so used and so insignificant. I told him that. When I was done saying it, I didn't hear anything on the other end. I said "hello" and I realized that Jess had hung-up the phone on me. SHIT! What a jerk! I knew that this was coming. Jess can't be nice to me for more then one day. Isn't it fucking obvious that he uses me!!

I was so upset. I called him back three times and each time it went to voicemail. He was ignoring me, just like I knew he would do. But, I really didn't think he would hang-up on me. The next thing I did was probably a big mistake and I have and will always live to regret it. I headed over to Jess's apartment. Remember, I had the key. I was going to tell him that I had enough. I have told him that before, but I was so upset that at that moment, I needed to tell him again. I got to his building, and I knew he had already gotten home, the lights were on. I rang the bell around 5 times because I didn't want to just walk in using the key. He didn't answer the door. So, I used the key, walked in and called out "Jess". He was sitting at his counter eating dinner and all he said to me was "leave me my key". I told him fine and that I will but first I needed to tell him that he treats me like shit. So, I did. I told him that he is a bi-polar schizophrenic. I told him that I am tired of being used and tired of him treating me like shit. I told him I was done.

Damn, I was upset. He just said there and ignored me totally. Then I told him that I was going and I was going to take all the things that I loaned him or gave him. I didn't want him to have anything especially if gave them to him as a loaner. Jess has never given me anything, at least that I can remember. Oh, yeah he gave me a shirt from John Varvatos and on Christmas, after I gave him a ton of gifts he gave me a coffee mug and a $100.00 gift certificate to the Apple Store.

I got a large plastic bag, and the first thing I through into it was the Espresso Machine that I loaned him many months ago, that he has adopted as his. Tossed that in. Then I took the pillow that I bought him last month and tossed that in. Then a book I gave him, then the container for a plant that I had given him, that went in too. I asked him for the shirts I gave him and the watch. He quietly went to his bedroom and brought me back a stack of them all with the watch. I stuffed them in the bag as well. I even took the coffee and coffee mate that I had bought for me to use out of the cabinet and stuffed that in the bag. I was so upset, and all the time telling him that I had enough of his brutal treatment and that I was tired of being used.

You may also remember, that Jess had no closet space in his apartment. When I met him, all of his stuff was laying in the corner under a blanket. I designed a closet for him in his living room and his super from his building agreed that it was a great idea and had it built for Jess at no charge. I then managed to get every bit of Jess's stuff (and then some) into the closet. Jess was really happy and told me that I was amazing at organizing. I then went on to organize the one small closet he had in his bedroom and even organized the messy cabinet under his sink. I did all this because I love Jess and wanted to make him happy. He was! And that was payment enough.

So Friday night, during my little (maybe not so little) hissy fit, I even managed to tell Jess to pay me the $100.00+ he owes me for the blinds that I ordered for him that had already been shipped and that were on there way to him.. He quickly gave me the cash. I went to his refrigerator. In there, there was the Brita water pitcher that I also got him. I broke the lid! Then I took the two small $10.00 portable window screens that I bought for Jess, that you stick in the windows when you want fresh air and no bugs -- I broke them!  I walked over to his closet that I had built, and so carefully organized and emptied two shelves of it onto the floor. Jess looked outraged but said nothing! While I was doing that, without realizing it, a light fixture (that was in a plastic bag that originally came with the apartment and Jess needed to hang onto so he could give it back when he eventually moves out) that was on the shelf, got tossed to the ground as well. I heard it break! Fuck, I broke his light! I didn't mean to do that. I meant only to take back the things that I got Jess and the things that were mine. When I saw that I broke the light, I immediately gave him back the $100.00+ that he had just given me for the blinds. Of course he took the money, quickly! Fuck, now I was paying for his blinds as I had to pay him that $100.00+ for the crappy light! I gave him his keys back and I left.

Wow! what the fuck just happened!!! I tossed all of the stuff into his building incinerator and I went on my way. Needless to say, I was a mess. What did I do. Jess's abusive treatment to me finally pushed me over the edge. My intentions were to let him know that I had enough! I wanted to give him back his key! Take back the things that I gave him as the things that I had lent him! I didn't mean to break his light fixture! I felt awful. I hope that the $100.00+ that he gave me for the blinds which I gave him back, will cover the damaged light.

I couldn't sleep all night. I had so much anxiety and depression and sadness. My breathing was deep, I couldn't control it -- anxiety! I lost Jess forever now. I was and am feeling like I've never felt before.

Saturday morning at 8:30am I was already in line at the Home Depot buying Jess replacement screens, exact to the ones I broke. I also got him a $48.00 Brita pitcher as a replacement to the one whose lid I broke. The replacement that I got was the largest and had an automatic reader on it to tell him when the filter needed to be replaced. It was the best one they had and I got it. I called Mary (Jess's friend and kind of my friend too as of late). I told her what happened. She was shocked. I was/am so depressed and full of anxiety, guilt, sadness, etc. that she couldn't really help me. I gave her the things I bought to give to Jess. I told her that if he wants more money (I am already paying for his blinds and replaced the 2 things that I broke that I got for him originally) for the light that I accidentally broke then of course I will give it to her to give him.

I was inconsolable. I was and am a mess. If my relationship (if I can call it that) wasn't close enough to over as of a few days ago, well it certainly is now. Jess must really hate me and he will always remember me as crazy! I'm sure he is glad that I am gone.

Jess kept pushing me and pushing me and pushing me. He seesawed back and forth between being nice to me and treating me like shit. He made it obvious to me many times that he only wanted to be with me when no one else was around and when and only when he needed me to do something for him. I guess I had enough. There is still no excuse for my behavior. It was wrong. And even though all of the things I took back were mine, or thing that I had bought for Jess, I feel terrible, awful, sad, and pathetically distraught over taking them.

I spent the day, wandering around the city yesterday like a walking dead man. I couldn't think about anything else. I was literally walking in a daze, I was lost. I was and still am shrouded in sadness over finally losing Jess and after doing what I did.

Mary became concerned about me. She told me that I was wrong, but I acted almost normal considering what I have been through with Jess. She told me that I am carrying too much of the total responsibility. I have no idea as to what the fuck she meant by that. She agreed that this probably marks the end of any kind of friendship with Jess. She said she was worried about me.

Mary, who is usually very passive when it comes to me and Jess (she almost always sides with him) told me that now that I have done this, Jess is going to be totally be done with me. Of course I knew that. I was miserable. I really hate myself for what I did. If I didn't do that, then at least I could still have had Jess in my life as a friend who treats me like shit and uses me. That would have been better then nothing!!

By 7:45pm I was still walking and wandering around Manhattan. Not really eating, just walking around like a sad zombie. Mary called me on the phone. She told me that she spoke with Jess,SHE SPOKE WITH JESS! He told her doesn't hate me. She also said that after what I did, he can't speak or see me. She told me that he is worried about me, walking and wandering around so sad. She said that he said, he is super concerned but it isn't up to him to help me. She asked me where I was. She was coming to meet me. I told her that she doesn't need to worry about me and neither does Jess. I didn't tell her where I was. I apologized to her and told her to please again apologize to Jess and tell him that I don't want him to hate me. Again, she said to me that he didn't. She said that I scared him. I understood. She also told me that in the scheme of things people in relationships do stupid things, sometimes even bad things to each other. Love does that she says. You messed up his closet and took back the things that were yours. She said you didn't touch him (I would NEVER) and you didn't damage any of his things (I would NEVER). So in the scheme of things, it wasn't so bad. But nonetheless, he doesn't want to talk or see you and he can't help you with this. He is worried and concerned. She asked me again, where are you? I told her thanks for being there for me, not to worry and then I said goodbye.

I wandered around the city for another three hours. I walked everywhere from the East Village to Union Square to  Madison Square Park to the West Village. All the time I could think of nothing but Jess, not only the end of my so called relationship with him but the end of even my friendship with him (albeit a shitty friendship).

All I could think about was why? Why did he treat me that way when I was always so good to him? All I ever did was love him and support him and be there for him? Why did he reject me and treat me so bad, then on certain days write and tell me that he loves me, which kept me hanging in there for him, only to treat me bad again the next day. Why Jess? All I could think about was how sorry I was for blowing up Friday night. So sorry!

I finally head home and by 1:30am I got into bed wondering if I would be able to stop breathing so heavy from all my anxiety and get some sleep. I must have fallen asleep from shear exhaustion! I was able to get six hours of sleep, only to awaken to realize again what I had done and what was going on with me and Jess.

I am so sorry Jess. I really am sorry that I lost my cool. I should have let you push me around and treat me like the garbage which you have for quite some time, thought that I am. You may just very well have been right all along.

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