When I said goodbye to Jess last night, I gave him an inexpensive journal with a Japanese design to it. I told him that this was HIS journal. I wrote the first journal entry in it and put the title THE LAST DAY. I put the date JUNE 1, 2010 on the top of page one. I wrote the entry, as if I was Jess. I felt that I needed to let him know that he had so clearly told me what and how he was thinking. The entry was written from what I honestly believe was Jess's perspective and written as if Jess had done the writing with what was going on in his mind. I gave Jess the journal and quickly explained that. He questioned how I could write a journal entry and speak for him as him. I told him that I so clearly feel that I know how he feels, and that he has conveyed how he feels to me in not only his words but his actions and his attitude.
Jess felt it was wrong that I was going. He said to me that we were friends and that we could continue as friends. Friends? How could we be friends when Jess talks down to me more times then not. How could we be friends when he tells me that he doesn't want to see me if there isn't a purpose or a reason for seeing me. How could we be friends if Jess doesn't want me in his apartment and doesn't want me to go out with him and his friends. How could we be friends when he ignores me now and only talks to me when he feels its appropriate. Oh sure, I could be his friend, but I'll never heal and never get past him and how much I love him. I'm sick from being hurt by someone I treasured and loved and would do anything for!
I said goodbye to Jess and left. That's it! I actually photographed the pages of the journal with my iPhone. I knew I needed to keep a copy of what I wrote. I would want to read it over and over again. Reading it makes me realize that Jess was finished with me. And that if I stayed any longer, it would be nothing but sadness and unhappiness for me. I think I also felt that telling Jess I was leaving gave me back some of the self esteem and dignity and strength that I had pretty much lost these last few months, especially the last few weeks. It makes me cry, but I guess there is nothing wrong with crying when you are alone.
I love you Jess forever! I miss you Jess forever!
Here is what I wrote:
(To read what I wrote to Jess in the journal, click the jump below)
June 1, 2010
Dear Journal, today is the day. Steve has finally taken that difficult step and moved on. he must have finally come to his senses and realized that there was nothing left to stay for and no reason to hang on. He said goodbye and walked out of my life just as unexpected as he walked in.
I guess it really wasn't completely unexpected. I have been trying to break free from him on way or another for quite some time now. Okay, so he's gone, deep breath, this is what I have wanted! What took him so long to catch on! Steve was like dirt, caught on the bottom of my shoe. No matter how hard I tried to scrape him off, he always remained. Resilient! I'll give him that!
I must have made it difficult for Steve. Certain days I loved him, other days I didn't. Certain days I adored him and other days I didn't even want him to be around me. It must have been difficult for him to accept when I've always told him that I'd be in his life forever. How could I have said that, certain days I don't even want him near me.
Well, he is gone. This time its real. I'm actually quite happy about this! How do I say this without sounding like a jerk? Steve didn't fit into my life. He was getting in my way. I couldn't take it anymore. I really didn't want to hurt him, but I'm sure that I did.
Well, he isn't my problem anymore! I am free! I will say this, for whatever its worth, Steve did love me. It was real love, it was honest love, but i couldn't embrace it. Steve just didn't have what it took for me to love him back. I tried, but I couldn't do it, not with Steve.
Steve and I learned a lot from one another. He taught me that it wasn't okay to be unhappy. Especially so frequently. He taught me that realizing things could be better is a good thing. he taught me that sometimes certain people who love me will challenge me. Challenge me to realize that inner conflict and self doubt is so harmful, it destroys my mood, my soul, my attitude, even my health. It destroys my ability to love others, maybe even myself.
I'm not sure if that destroyed my love for Steve. At this point, I'm not even sure if I even ever loved him! What the hell is love anyway, its so fucking overrated!
Anyway, Steve is gone. GONE! Funny, how I don't seem to real care! I guess because I've wanted this for so long. We did have some fun together. It really wasn't all bad. Going to Jersey was fun. It was simple, but fun. I think I was happy. But I can't be sure. Sometimes I thought we might have even had a lot in common. But, maybe we didn't. Possibly I think too much. Could that have added to the problem? Nah!
Okay, okay, so I gave him mixed messages. I was confused. I wasn't sure what I wanted. But, I do know this. It wasn't Steve. Steve said he always tried to talk to me, love me, be my friend. He says that I shut down and once I shut down, there was no letting him in. That may be true but Steve was far from perfect. He got on my nerves, he pushed me, he took me way too personally! But how could I have not expected him not to. I let my own feelings of discontent overflow and merge with my feelings of discontent for Steve.
I won't feel feel bad for this! Steve is gone, this is a good thing. Ha-ha, Steve organizes a great closet! Maybe because he's such a closet case! Actually he isn't. Steve was comfortable with me. He may be far from perfect, and he may not be comfortable with some things in his life - but, he was comfortable with me.
Finally, he has caught on and he has moved on. Steve is gone and I'm happy! I'm free!
I may even miss Steve, but just a little. Things don't both me for too long. I'm strong and my emotional ties to Steve were weak. He hung on to me for too long. He finally left, good for him. Like the last bit of dirt that has clung to the bottom of my shoe is gone! I'm clean, I'm free, I wonder what I'll step into next.
I know that Steve loved me. I mean really loved me. He loved me with all his heart and soul and brain. He fought really, really hard to hang on! It was his love that made him fight so hard! He finally gave up. Steve accepted his fate. He grew weak, He realized that I left him! Good for me!
Steve is gone! And he's never coming back, I made sure of that!
Steve is gone!
I
LOVE
YOU
STEVE!
August 7, 2009 --------------------> June 1, 2010
signed, Jess
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