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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

I Finally Had Enough And Told Jess I Was Moving On, Without Him!

I got a text message from Jess today. He was asking me about my opinion for what color to order for roller solar shades for his apartment. He didn't say anything else, but that. I wrote him back, and said I missed him. He called me a "knucklehead" meaning that why would I miss him, since we are friends. Yeah, great friends!

I gave in to my urges. I called his cell phone number. He answered. It was early and he was obviously in the office. He was very cold, but lately he always is. After a quick and cordial hello, I asked him if I could come and see him tonight. Weird how it's come down to me having to ask. After this weekend and actually the last week or two, quite frankly Jess creeps me out. I'm really kind of afraid to talk with him. I feel like he doesn't like me at all. He asked me what the purpose of me wanting to come over was for? I said just to see him, and did I need a purpose? He said he would meet me on the street but that he didn't want me in his apartment. It would only be the same old thing. I asked him NICELY, (see what I mean about becoming afraid to speak to him) what did he mean by "the same old thing". Then he jumped at me and said, see what I mean. Its starting again! Then he said, NO, I don't want you coming over tonight. There is no purpose for it. I said okay and then goodbye and then we hung up.

About 40 minutes later, I got a text message from Jess. It said:
  • Steve, now I'm concerned that I'm coming off as a huge jerk. I don't want this to be difficult.I just don't      want to complicate things either. And it seems like when we've been together the last few times it has been really difficult.
I didn't respond. I had no idea as to what to write. No matter what I wrote, Jess would jump down my throat. One hour later, Jess sent me another text message. It said:
  • Hey -- you don't agree with my last text? I'm just trying to do the right thing here Steve!
I decided that if I ignored Jess, he would get angry so I responded with:
  • OK Jess,
Then he sent a text that said:
  • OK what?
I didn't respond, again for fear that I was going to say the wrong thing, like I always do according to Jess. Thirty minutes later Jess sent me yet another text message. Here is what he wrote:
  • You totally hate me and think I'm a jerk. I'm sorry Steve. I don't know what the right thing to do is in this scenario. I just fear that getting together will be difficult and it seems like some space would be good. Am I wrong? If so, tell me!
Jesus, what was I supposed to respond with. Again, I was afraid to say the wrong thing. I thought and realized that if I didn't respond at all, it would piss Jess off more and if I did and said the wrong thing, it would still result in him being pissed off. I decided to write something but be ridiculously polite. Here is what I wrote:
  • I think you are wrong Jess. But I won't keep trying to change your mind anymore. I think I'm worn down. Just be honest, no disrespect intended.
Jess was obviously pissed when he read that. Of course I knew he would be. I expected it, didn't I? Here is what he wrote back.
  • No disrespect taken. Thanks for sharing your opinion.
Didn't I tell you? I knew it was going to end up that way with his attitude and wisecracks. I can't win with Jess, ever! At least not anymore! 

I knew at that moment that I had to give up and walk away, but this time, THIS TIME for good. I was going to wait a few hours and then go to Jess's apartment. I was going to be nice and honest and tell him that I can't take it anymore. I feel like nothing is left. Jess tells me that he loves me but as a friend only yet he doesn't treat me as a friend. He treats me as a piece of shit stuck to the bottom of his shoe that he can't seem to scrape away, no matter how hard he tries.

Jess doesn't have to try anymore. I get the message. Actually I got the message loud and clear for weeks already. And its getting louder and clearer each day. I was going to Jess's apartment to tell him that he think he was and is unfair.  I want him to know that it didn't have to be this way, but because of him, it is. I love Jess and don't have a problem telling him that, but I also don't have a problem telling me that he treats me horribly and he makes it crazy obvious that he doesn't want me around him anymore.

I went to Jess apartment and he wasn't home yet. I started walking down the hall back toward the elevators and just as i got there, Jess was getting off of one. He looked at me as if to say "what the fuck are you doing here." At that very moment, for the first time ever with Jess, I felt truly unwanted and as if Jess was thinking me to be a stalker. I knew right then that I had come for the right reason, to say goodbye.

I got a bit emotional, but i knew I would. I cried but only for a minute. Jess's eyes got all watery as well, but he didn't say a thing. I don't even think we hugged or kissed goodbye. I told him thanks and that knowing him was an honor and a pleasure and something that i will never ever forget. We looked at each other for a minute, we said nothing. I couldn't tell if Jess was shocked or relieved. Regardless, I was gone.

One last thing. I wrote a small entry into a small journal that I bought at Barnes & Noble in Union Square. The entry that I wrote was dated June 1, 2010. I wrote it as if I was Jess. It was a journal that I was giving to Jess with my interpretation of what Jess would write in today entry. Right now i don';t reel like writing and telling you all what I wrote. But I will in a day or so. I need to get through this and I feel that i am doing the right thing, but in the meantime I am sick with sadness and emptiness and missing Jess. He is really a good man and I'd like to remember him as that. I miss him and love him. But I did the right thing.

1 comment:

keliss said...

It's been a long stretch of stress for you. As you said, it's been seen coming for awhile now.

I hope you are able to take some time for yourself, in order to de-stress and re-build.