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Monday, June 21, 2010

I Have Not Heard From Jess At All.

It is Monday, almost 12:00pm. As expected, I did not hear from Jess at all. Saturday, when I was walking around in a dead mans daze, I saw Mary. I had so much anxiety and sadness and remorse, that I couldn't even sit still, eat, talk or do anything. I am sure that I must have worn Mary out. She cried a bit with me. She felt bad for me and told me that Jess most likely will be done with me (don't forget that Jess is Mary's only and best friend, aside from me. I have never seen loyalty to a friend like she has for Jess. I'm sure when she tells Jess about being with me on Saturday, she embellishes and discusses all and even changes the truth a bit regarding anything I have said or did). She knows that I love Jess tremendously. She even admitted that what I did was not so bad, and that Jess's constant attitude and moodiness and disrespect towards me would have pushed anyone over the top. Anyone that is who would have hung in there as long as I did.

I might have mentioned (I can't remember anything, my mind is mush) that when I finally left Mary's apartment on Saturday, I just wandered aimlessly around Manhattan. I was lost and feeling hopeless. Mary called me and I took the call. She said she spoke to Jess and that he was worried about me. He told her he couldn't speak or see me but that he was worried and very concerned about me in the condition I was in. She asked me where I was so she could come and get me, even take me to the hospital if I was feeling that awful. I told her thanks but she need not worry and to convey that same message to Jess... that he need not worry or concern himself about me.

I didn't hear from Mary the rest of Saturday. I was kind of hoping that I would. I can't call her anymore and complain and cry and be pathetic. So Sunday morning she sent me a quick text and told me that she was worried about me and could I contact her back. I didn't!

The rest of Sunday came and went and I didn't hear from Mary again or from Jess for that matter. This morning at around 11:00am Mary sent me another text saying pretty much the same thing. That she is concerned and could I just text her back and let her know that I am okay. Well, I'm not okay! And in my mind, I feel that Jess is the one telling her to check in on me like she is my warden and head nurse at the Psych Ward. My decision is not to answer any of her texts. I want Jess to text or call or email me and we all know that's not going to happen!

Right now, I am pathetic and weak and full of sadness. I miss Jess. I'm so sorry!

1 comment:

Paul Benjamin said...

Hang in there, friend. I can completely empathize with you because I have been where you are now. Keep going through your daily motions, and before you know it, it will all sort itself out. I know its difficult, but you'll get through this.