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Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Jess, I Love You! Even If You Hate Me!

It is Tuesday, at 5:20pm. I feel really awful. I miss Jess more then anything and I am having problems dealing with the loss and the hopelessness and realizing that I will never see or speak to him again. He has not at all reached out to me since the debacle on Friday night. He knows from Mary that I am a mess.

Mary sent me an email this afternoon. All it said was:

"All I want to know is that you are ok somewhere - you don't have to tell me where you are or what you're doing. I'm your friend don't forget and I care about you. Email, text, call, whatever".

Yeah, right! She is some friend. She is Jess's friend and she doesn't make any references to him at all when she tries to reach out to me. I haven't responded to Mary's efforts to contact me or even attempted to communicate with her or even Jess for that matter, since my last desperate conversation with her this past Saturday afternoon. I think Jess has most likely told her that he couldn't give a shit as to what happened to me. Regardless, I have not responded to any of Mary's texts or emails or her one voice mail. Part of me feels thinks that Jess may possibly be feeling a bit concerned about my welfare and if anything were to happen to me, then he may feel somewhat responsible. I told her on Saturday to tell Jess that he has nothing to concern himself about with me. My life is my own responsibility and he can rest assured that he is in no way to feel responsible or implicated in the event that a negative situation with me (health, breakdown, etc.) was to take place. In my logic, and I could be wrong, but if I contact Mary back and say that I am fine, then thats the end of me. I won't hear from her again and Jess will relax and move on and I will be totally dead to him.

I feel so bad!

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