Tuesday night, I kept on diving deeper into my sadness, remorse and difficulty with realizing that Jess doesn't want to and most likely never will speak to me again. I guess my crime of emptying the two or three shelves in his closet was so despicable that I have been sent to a place where Jess never has to deal with me again.
Mary has been texting (3 times), calling (once) and emailing (once) since Sunday. She says each time that she is worried and actually she uses the word "they" are worried about me. So Tuesday night, I decided that it was best to call her. If I kept not responding to her and then eventually she speaks to me day or even weeks later, she could very well be so annoyed that I let her worry that it would be another problem for me to deal with. Plus Jess would be even more pissed that I let them worry. In other words, when they (she) don't hear from me, they are concerned, but if I am fine and they (she) don't hear from me, then they would be pissed. Do you get that?
I called Mary. She was happy to hear from me and she told me that Jess will be thrilled to hear that I am okay. I guess they thought I was going to "do myself in" based on how bad and low I feel. Let them think what they want, but I would never do that. My cousin killed himself with a gunshot to the head about a month or so ago (I blogged about it) and it was not only so sad, but such a waste! Mary was kind of "tough love" with me. She kept saying that Jess doesn't hate me. He is concerned. The confusing part is that she says that Jess says that he would do anything for me to help me feel better. But when I ask her that all I want is for him to speak with me, she tells me that he says he can't do that now. We spoke for twenty minutes and she could hear that I am a mess. I think she knows that Jess is hard, a difficult guy but as I have long said, Mary loves Jess and supports his every move.
I asked Mary to please call Jess and ask him to please call me and talk to me, even if for a few minutes. I literally asked her (begged) to tell Jess that I am sorry and to please forgive me. She called him. He said that the only way he would speak/see me was if I went to a therapist and began therapy for all this sadness that I feel. I couldn't believe that Jess would tell her that. I was floored. I went to therapy (because of Jess) for almost five months with Peter. I did that because of Jess as well. It was useless and Peter possibly wasn't the right therapist and I gained nothing from our talks, so I left.
Jess is telling Mary that he is concerned about me. He hears from Mary that I am so sad and distraught over what has happened. He tells her that he wants to help me, but only will talk to me if I agree. Yes, I agree. Mary was so sad for me that I am in this position. She must really think that I am either a really big piece of shit or possibly she must really be shocked that I allow Jess to think of me as such.
Regardless, I have not heard from Jess at all yet. No texts, no emails, no telephone call, no NOTHING!
Today is the day that the blinds that I ordered for him are to be shipped to his apartment via UPS according to the tracking number. I paid for those blinds for him -- he never payed me back. I chose them and even measured them for him! How can he come home from work tonight and get the package and open it knowing that I am so sick over all of this. How can anyone be able to standby and watch someone they use to love suffer so much?
Here is the email I got late last night from Mary.
Steve-
I didn't mean to upset you with what Jess said. He genuinely wants to help you. I want to help you too. No one wants you in Bellevue; you are not crazy. But you're heartbroken and sad and it would only be a good thing to at least talk to someone who can help you see through this. All I want is for you to not be in pain anymore. But that's a process and I want you to take a first step for me. I know you've been to a therapist before but this is a place to start. No pressure, no judgement, just you talking to somebody else who can help you understand why all this is happening. If you want me to I will go with you. I know you talk about dealing with all this yourself but that doesn't mean you have to be alone. Nobody has to be alone. You will never be alone or worthless as long as you have people who care. And I do care. I know I am just one person but I have faith in people and I have faith in you and I won't give up on you--ever. Please believe that, and believe in yourself. You are stronger than you feel right now. And you are more worthwhile and valuable than you can imagine. Please think about this. Please let me help, because I know if it were me you'd go to the ends of the world to help me and you wouldn't give up on me or let me give up on myself. That's the Steve I love,
-Mary
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