Monday, June 7, 2010
Jess Called Me On The Telephone Today. Something Sounded Different.
I thought he was going to say, "shit, I realized that I forgot your birthday yesterday". He didn't. Instead he sounded confused and didn't say much except that he wanted me to know that he had sent me the email (obviously I knew that but he didn't know that I got it yet).
That's all he said, and it was odd because it sounded like he wanted to say something but couldn't get the words out. Maybe he was distracted with someone else standing nearby, perhaps a hot guy or maybe he was reading a text while he was talking to me. I have no clue but, that's just my thoughts. Maybe he just was feeling sad, blue, missed me and really just needed to reach out to him like I have done with him hundreds of times. Ya think? Nah, but a big part of me would love that. Click on the jump below to read about my phone conversation with Jess.
About 40 minutes after listening to his voice message I decided to call him back. The thought of not calling him back dominated my head. But Jess text me this morning and left me a voice-mail. He even text me and left me a voice mail yesterday. He didn't say much but with Jess, not saying much doesn't mean a thing. I don't play games, especially with someone I love. So, I called him.
Usually when I call Jess at work during the day, he is busy and he lets it go to voice-mail or it just goes to voice-mail because his phone isn't near him. I expected that and was going to leave a short but nice message. Surprisingly, he answered the phone. His voice was somber. I was so happy to hear him. I almost choked up when I started to talk but I held my together, and said hello.
He asked how I was. I told him that he'd be proud of me that I was doing well (yeah right). I told him that I was holding it all together and although I have my moments (yeah, right) for the most part I was okay (yeah right).
He told me that his friend finally left yesterday at around 4:00pm and that he had dinner plans with someone last night but he was so upset that he had to cancel because he didn't feel like going out and being social. I asked him what was making him so upset, (as if I didn't know - I was hoping that it was me). He said he misses me (yea!!) and being alone at home last night since his friend left was very difficult because it gave him the opportunity to think about me. He said that he looks all around his apartment and he can't get me out of his head, I am there everywhere in all that I did for him. He even said that walking on the streets of NYC I am everywhere. He and I went so many places together that everywhere he goes he gets reminders of me and it hurts him so much. He just said that he had a really hard night.
His dinner plans were probably with a hookup or a date. I can't be sure but that's how my mind thinks. He said he is so confused as to what he wants and he begins therapy this week. He hopes to see me soon. He misses me. He started to tell me again how important I was and I nicely cut him off by simply saying that I feel like a little kid because I am so confused as to why it has to be this way. But, I understand and accept how he feels, I just don't understand why it needs to be like this. He said that he understood how hard it must be for me, he sounded so sad and so confused.
I decided to end the conversation nicely after a few minutes, I didn't want the call to start to drag and it didn't. I told him that it was really nice getting his email and phone call and that it made me feel good. His response was great, I'll be sure to do a lot more of that. He said that he will speak to me and see me very soon. I said okay, and we said goodbye.
That was it. I honestly believe that Jess has forgotten my birthday and it isn't a arrogant or spiteful act to not mention it on his part.
By the way, today is Jess and my 10 month anniversary of meeting. Today makes it 10 months of knowing Jess. Not sure if logistically I can still call it a anniversary after whats been going on.