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Saturday, July 10, 2010

I Made The Move And Told Jess I Was Done And Moving On! I Have To Stick With This!

I have been writing emails and texts and leaving voice messages to Jess for a little bit over three weeks now (since I lost my cool in his apartment that Friday night back in mid June).  Yes, Jess had agreed after a week or so to speak with me but only in an occasional telephone call that he controlled (meaning when he wanted to call me or when he felt like he wanted to answer the phone when I called him). I think in the last three weeks he has taken two or three of my calls and he himself has called me two or three times as well.

By the way, the cartoon (in this post) is just a cartoon! I would never, ever touch or hit Jess or anyone! Just wanted to set the record straight.

He has told me a number of times that he wants me to continue sending him my one "update email" every day for him to read. He has said that he would guarantee me a written email response every day if I kept writing him. His rules were that I could write him or text him or call him as much as I wanted to but he was only obligated to respond with one written email per day. And yes, he has always responded with that one email every day. Sometimes his email responses (as I call them) come in very late, 1:00 am or 2:00 am.

Whenever I ask him when I can see him because I miss him so much, he ususally ignores that request. I can write him about five or six important things in my life which are going on and he cherry picks what he wants to respond about. Sometimes he totally ignores what I have written and just generically responds with a "hello, hope all is well" email.  I always know that writing him and asking him when can I see him or about telling him that I miss him will always be ignored.

Funny, the other day I mentioned in one of my emails that I missed him a lot. I also wrote that he probably will ignore that comment as he has anytime that I ever have mentioned it or asked him about whether or not he ever misses me. But in his "response email" he wrote that "yes, I do miss you."  How pathetic am I that reading that in his email made me happy for the day!

Whenever I call him he never answers the phone.  He never responds to my texts or my emails (except for the one that he is required to send as per his agreement with me).

He has told me that he cares about me and that he wants me in his life and that he was hurt by what I did three weeks ago by trashing his closet and taking back or throwing out the things that I gave him or lent him. But, I have apologized, replaced everything I took with new and mostly better versions of the same exact things that I took or threw out and literally begged for forgiveness. He has told me that he has to ease back into being my friend on his terms and not mine. Click on the jump below to read the rest, as well as read Jess's regularly scheduled one-a-day emails to me and my final email to him!

But, I can't take it any more.  How can he ever miss me if I am like a fucking piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe and he can't scrape it off. I feel like he knows he has me like a pet mouse in a cage. I am sad all the time, and each and every time I write or call or text or beg him to meet or see me and he ignores me, it kills me a little bit more.

I sent him three emails yesterday and called him on the telephone three times. He didn't respond or pick up.  Finally I got his "response email" of the day and it came at almost 12:30am. I was so sad by the time that I called him thinking that he had to pick up since he had just emailed me and he was around. But he didn't. Whether I did the right thing or not at that point will be determined later but I told him that I loved him but couldn't keep doing this anymore. It hurt to much.

He wrote that he was heading out of town today to go and visit his family in the midwest. He will be gone for a week. He ended his email with something like don't forget to keep writing me and he will respond from there. Why couldn't he call me to say goodbye. WHY!?

Here is Jess's last email to me and then read my last email to him which I sent right after. As you can see, I left it all up to him to decide if he ever wants to speak or see me or call me again, then please do. Aside from that, I need him to know that enough is enough. If I never hear from him again then I will assume that I am right all along and that he doesn't really care about me or want to have anything to do with me. (But I will always wonder, why the fuck did he want me to write him and why would he want to respond even if it was once a day). What was in it for him to do that? Effective immediately, I will stop all writing, texting and attempts to contact Jess. If he wants me, I have hopefully left the door open for him to contact me. I miss him and love him!
Hey Steve!

Your email wasn't lost.  I got it.  It wasn't that long!  It might have felt that way because you did it on the iPhone.  It takes forever to type on those things.  And I'm not loving the typing mechanism on the phone.  But I still love the phone.  I agree that there are bugs with 4.0 -- I've been having a few probs, too.  But I'm sure updates will come out soon.  As for the email -- love the ostrich egg photos.  That guy looked like a character!  I get a kick out of the way you study.  You make yourself a nice little environment and then are so neat!  You should see my desk at work.  It is piled high with papers.  It makes it very difficult to find things...

It was another LONG day.  I got home a while ago and treated myself to a massage.  Since the Cheopic business has concluded, I even silenced the phones as a special treat!  What a great night of peace and quiet.  I'm going to bed now, however, because I have to get up and pack for a week at home.  That's right!  I finally got leave approved and bought a ticket home.  My Prague bro Dave will be there.  Pete will come with his girlfriend.  Alice will bring my niece...  The only one missing will be Mark.  Maybe he will make a cameo appearance.

I talked to my future boss about my next job.  It is a mess in that office.  The boss is a bit weak and the second in command is a nut.  Most people in the office are either really young or really old.  The portfolio they think I will have is ridiculously boring.  We'll see how long I last.  I may be looking at a "new job" in the Europe just to escape a rotten work environment!  I'm hoping that won't be the case, but we shall see.

Well, I've got to get up early to pack and make my flight.  Hope you are having fun evening!  Keep up the emails.  I'll email you from home.

Have a great night!


After  getting this email I wrote him this. I also left a similar message on his phone. Did I do the right thing? I'm not sure but I guess it's done. Time will tell,.

I left you a very important voice mail. The reason why I am writing to tell you is this again is that if I didn't the voice mail may go unlistened to for days.

One last time, I am sorry for what I did that Friday night almost a month ago.  I hope you will one day in your heart forgive me.  I have done everything I could to prove to you how horrible I felt and still feel.

I know that even before that night, you had moved on from me.  Even before that night you had pulled away and we didn't really speak much or even see one another much (I wanted to, but you didn't)

I love you Jess, and I always will! I'll never forget you. I hope you don't ever forget me either. I know in my heart that you will never see me again, at least not for a very long time. I miss you terribly and writing you and trying to get you to notice me and thinking about you so much....its too hard! Especially since I know how you feel about me.

Good luck Jess. I wish you the best in life! Please call me or write or reach out should you ever feel that you want to.  Until then, I will give you the peace and the separation from me that you want.

Love Always !!! Steve

1 comment:

Tammy C said...

Dump him. Right now. Call, or email or whatever and dump him. Stop writing him for 2 weeks and if he doesn't contact you, dump him but don't write to tell him it's over. Just understand that if he cared about you, he would at least be concerned. I have done what he is doing. Ignored guys but kept them on retainer. He is either seeing someone else or he is chasing after someone else and not sure if he's going to get anywhere with them but in the meantime, he is loving the attention he's getting from you. Be prepared for him to call your bluff. Be prepared to lose him completely. Be prepared to cry him out of your system. Just stop being pathetic. I've been on both ends of this game. Sometimes I just don't want a guy but I keep him in hope, knowing fully that every contact from him is annoying, meanwhile I'm chasing someone else who is treating me the way I am treating the other guy. Save your self respect. Trust me. It's not worth it to keep going but it is worth it to risk losing him by bluffing. Be strong. Say screw it. Think about it. Don't fake it. You have to find it in yourself to truly stop caring about him. I know that if I care about a guy, nothing can keep me away from him. I waste tons of hours per day looking for clever things to say to him. I know if you stop writing to him, he will say you breached the agreement to write everyday. Perhaps you can end it by just sending a final email to say that you know what you did was wrong, however, you want your self respect back and you know that if he cared about you, it wouldn't be this difficult for him to come back. If you don't do this, you need to realize that you're in a BDSM slave relationship and you're into humiliation... without sex. If that's what you want, then that's what you have.