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Monday, August 30, 2010

My Response To Mary After She Sent Jess And Me Her Email.

Mary sent her final draft of her email tonight. I got a copy and Jess got a copy. Will he respond to her about it? Will he reach out to me? Probably not on both counts. The final draft of the email was pretty much identical to the early draft Mary sent me this morning which I posted in my blog earlier. Just a few tweaks here and there but for the most part it was the same as the early draft she wrote.

Tonight, I wrote Mary (who is in Vegas) a response.  Of course I only sent it to her and didn't send a copy to Jess. Of course not! Anyway, here is the email I sent her. If any of you are thinking that it is too somber and hopeless, well, that's how I am perhaps feeling right now.


Your email was beautiful. So real and brutally honest. Thank you for writing that. I read it twice and it moved me tremendously. It was powerful! However, I think most likely, it will have no effect on Jess! Normally an email like that would have a huge effect on someone, on anyone, how could it not! But I am afraid to admit that I think the reason it will have no impact on Jess is because it is about me, about Steve!

I have been thinking about Jess (probably even more then usual) and thinking so much about your email since I received it from you tonight. I keep trying to make sense of how I could treasure, love, respect and care so much about my friendship with Jess when he appears to care so little about me. I know you say that Jess does care, but I don't understand how he could after there has been absolutely no reaction from him with regard to me. No response, no words, no thoughts, not even the slightest acknowledgement has been thrown in my direction that I exist in his life, if even in a small way.

I am feeling that friendship, and even love is a temporary illusion. I should not fret about love or about thinking someone is my very best friend. I should not think about how lonely I am or how hurt.  You see, I am alone, I always will be. I came into this world alone and I will die alone. I need to realize that and maybe, just maybe I will become comfortable with that and never again worry and be so sad, so devastated about these silly things like love and temporary friendship.


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