Mary left this morning for Vegas to celebrate her Mom's birthday. I will miss her. She and I will speak everyday but I don't have her here to lean on and cry to about Jess. I know its going to be difficult for me to be "without her" but Mary needs the break from me and I need to toughen up and stand on my own. I can do that until Friday, can't I?
Mary said she was going to draft an email to Jess and to me and send it to us both. She hopes he will respond and most likely he won't but I am sure he will read it. Mary sent me the first rough draft of the email. I am going to print it here in this blog. Keep in mind that it is just her rough first draft. I assume that she will re-write it and send the finished, improved final draft to Jess and me later tonight. So click on the jump below to read Mary's first rough draft of her email she plans to send to me (again) and to Jess. I love her for it! What do you think of what she wrote?
ROUGH DRAFT OF MARY'S EMAIL TO JESS AND ME (08.29.10)
I wanted to write both of you, since so much of the time I feel like I am in some lonely vaccum between the two of you. I can talk to one, or the other, but not both together. So I am giving this a shot. When is this going to end? We have gone from a breakup to a chance at friendship to an explosion of frustration to a cutting off, to now, fear, suspicion, and genuine ridiculousness. As the outsider looking in, I can tell you that more and more I look around and all I see is a situation out of control, and it needs to stop.
Here's the reality as I see it. Jess: Steve misses you, he misses his friend so much, and is hearbroken. What's tearing him apart is that he can't reconcile the guy he thinks so highly of and can't say a bad word about the guy who cut off all contact. And the thing is, his sadness is not going to go away, there's no magical elixer that's going to let him wake up and it be all ok, because the truth is people affect other people, and like it or not, it's excruciating when one turns his back on the other, which is what he feels you did. You have been my good friend for some years now, and have seen me at my saddest and most immature times. Quite frankly, if you ever told me you didn't want to have any contact with me, I'd be devastated. I don't know if I'd ever get over it. Yes, Steve freely admits that he screwed up big time in your apt that night. But to paraphrase from your favorite movie, The Shawshank Redemption, "whatever sins he has committed he has paid for and then some." I honestly don't know how much more he needs to suffer.
Steve: It is frustrating that you are so afraid to think ill of Jess in all this. I know that's what's killing you, that inability to understand what drove your friend to do that. Most of us are content to yell and scream and tell people to fuck off, but your heart is so big I don't think you could do that if you tried. Maybe it is a human flaw, but it is the sweetest flaw, and I don't think I would love you half as much if you weren't like that. It makes you who you are. But I am also frustrated because I know you can beat the sadness, I've seen it, and your negativity drives so much of your agony. You will tell me that your agony drives the negativity, but they feed on each other, and then feed on your body. Seeing you get to this point is agonizing to watch. If you think I like hearing about you being in the hospital a few weeks ago for exhaution and dehydration than you are out of your mind. I worry about you, but you must worry about yourself more than anybody else, even Jess. But I know that's hard for you. Sometimes I just wish you'd understand how frustrating it is to see you beat yourself down over all this, especially since I can only sit by and watch.
So you guys ran into each other last week. Here's my take on that. Jess: there was no deliberation on his being on that street. Steve loves the city, walking it helps him, and to think that there was any motive outside of happening to be in that area is plain silly. Steve: you have the right to walk anywhere in the city, anytime. To hear you talk about being afraid to walk on the east side for fear of upsetting Jess is equally absurd. How did you both devolve into so much mistrust? Think about it. Are we honestly going to have to draw a "don't cross" line somewhere on 5th Ave.? I am pretty sure I left my lines in the sand back in my sandbox when I was a kid. It's ridiculous.
I wish so many things. I wish mostly that you both could step outside of yourselves for a few minutes and look at what this has become. You were such good friends, and now, Steve, I can't convince you that Jess does not hate you, and Jess, you seem completely frustrated and suspicous of Steve's motives. Jess: you care about Steve, whether you choose to admit it or not. Steve: Jess does not hate you nor does he want any harm to come to you.
Just stop. Stop this. This all has to end. It's insane. Jess: I wish you'd contact Steve. It's the right thing to do. The gesture of simple human contact is more powerful than you know. For him and for you. Steve: I wish you'd give your life the value it deserves. Denegrating yourself is killing you, and it's unworthy of you. Somewhere in the middle of all these wishes, is the wish that the two of you can sit down, and talk like adults, and start over. No recrimination, no blame, no expectations, no requirements, just two people figuring it all out. All I know is that the alternative is simply unacceptable. We're all trapped in this thing like mice on wheels, and it will never be over until somebody stops the wheel. This is me trying to stop the wheel. Enough of everything else. There are so many new good things happening, Jess has a new job, I will have a new job soon, Steve is going on with his classes and contacting new Company's about a career move. We should be happy for each other, for Godsakes. I believe you two will be friends again. I believe it stronger than anything right now.
To quote Shawshank again, "hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies." Here's hoping you both read this, and share the same hope.