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Monday, May 16, 2011

Is It The Rain? Mary? Me? My Life? What Is Wrong With Me?

I just got an email from Mary. Although I haven't spoken with her since last Tuesday evening, she writes me and leaves me phone messages, wondering what happened to me, where I am, and if I am all right. I can't speak with her now because it's too hard for me. It's been so painful knowing her this past year and having her talk to me and commiserate with me about Jess all the fucking time. Not just consoling me but talking to me about him and feeding me information about the where, whats, whys and hows of Jess. I cried all the time - even now, typing this is making me feel that pit in my gut rising into my throat and I am mustering all the strength I can to keep myself from crying my eyes out and collapsing into despair and sadness over losing Jess in my life - especially losing Jess because he obvious never wants to speak to me again. It's a pain almost unimaginable to anyone else who has never experienced something like this. This was and is the worst time ever in my entire life. How someone I loved and who loved me can ignore me as if I never existed and hate me so much that they act as if they couldn't care less if I was dead or alive, and avoid me so completely for the rest of their life. It is heartbreaking 24/7. But like I said, Mary has deep issues herself - don't we all. But hers are based on Jess as well. She misses his friendship as he treats her like shit. Maybe he treats her this way because she is (was) friends with me. He ignores her calls and texts and emails and only speaks to her when he has to. I can't stand it anymore! Aside from the fact that knowing and talking to Mary keeps me in the most heartbreaking place, it also hurts me to see her going through what she is. It even makes me angry sometimes because she and he are still friends and although he treats her like shit, she at least can talk to him and see him; I can't! Maybe, he has ramped up his hate (anger or whatever you might call it) for her this past week because he must know that it was Mary who told me where and when Jess's birthday party was going to be. Imagine, buying a friend 3 bottles of champagne and four bottles of sparkling beverages (for those who don't drink alcohol) and a lobster and fresh vegetable appetizer... and being hated for it! That's what I get for loving and caring and being heartbroken and missing my best friend. I get hated and so do any others (Mary) who associate with me. I am weak, I know that but I am fucking trying to move on. I have to distance myself totally from Mary. But, how do I? I feel so bad for her. She also has her demons (being sloppy and lazy, having very few friends, being fat and feeling very unattractive, never having a man, etc. etc.) and I feel like I have done the same thing to her that Jess did to me - I abandoned her!  But, what can I fucking do? Look, I started this post today going to write about the email I got from Mary (about 30 minutes ago). Once again, reading it has made me feel lower then low, awful, pathetically sad and without hope. It makes the constant pain of missing Jess, intensified one hundred times more. Even with keeping Mary at a distance to avoid  these kind of things - she still gets to me, with emails that break my fucking heart. I don't think I'll ever heal. What the fuck am I going to do!

Here is an exact copy of the email that Mary sent to me today (after the jump). Read it and you will see exactly what I am talking about.
Hope you are ok. Not knowing that, I'll keep writing.  Today is a grim, rainy day, I think it is supposed to rain through Saturday.  I keep thinking that you wouldn't like it at all. You're probably wondering if I am deliberately not talking about Jess. Truth is there is not much to say.  I never got to see him (in his office) on Friday. I did try a few times, of course he wasn't  there.  Then, probably as you would have predicted, I got scared.  Scared that the last thing I would want to tell you is that I went there and told him what you did for his party and he had some sort of negative reaction.  Couldn't do it. I wrote him an email instead, telling him about the party, but mostly asking if he'd heard from you, because I was worried.  As you might suspect, he never responded.  His silence, as I don't have to tell you, says everything.  I don't know what to think anymore, what to try and fight for, what to do. I told you what I felt at his party, and it was every bit as humiliating as you thought. I have no idea why he invited me. Maybe a sense of obligation? I don't want to be that. Your friend, Ed was it?, was right-Jess is a very messed up person, somebody who has no idea how to treat other people. Bitter, angry. Everything he shows to people now is a facade. What you saw, what I saw when I was with the two of you, that was real, but I don't know where that is anymore. I am rambling. You would say that I am not making any sense, which is true. I don't feel any sense. I feel lost. You are probably thinking-yes, you feel that way now but you'll get over it and everything will go back to normal. But that's not going to be true. I'm sorry that this email is a bit depressing-I am, again, doing what you always said I did and can't muster any good news! 

Wherever you are, I hope everything is ok. 


Dale W. said...

From where I'm standing, you should let her know you're taking time away from it all and aren't going to be in contact... the whole clearing of head, re-establishing personal space and healing of the heart - that kind of thing. Advise her you're not going to be in contact for quite a while, and then close it down and walk away.

It's not fair to leave people hanging. That said, once you've said that, I'd keep my distance and maintain radio silence from her. She's using you as her venting post about something that's hurting you deeply, and she's not seeing it. I don't think it's malicious, but I do think it's very counter-productive. Say goodbye, cut the ties, and walk away. Remember you're amazing and loved, and can do anything.

drew said...

The only way I can see you having any relationship with Mary is if she gives it up with Jess. You are getting nothing out of your relationship with Jess, but Mary is getting little if any herself. Decide if you are important to each other leaving Jess behind. If not, continuing a relationship with Mary is just harmful to you. Just my take on it.