My Gift To Jess And The Subsequent Failure Of It!

I failed again! I failed again with Jess. I tried to make a warm-hearted, understated gesture of love for him at his birthday party last evening. I didn't say anything to anyone about it because, quite honestly, I was embarrassed to do so and I didn't want to take a chance that something would fuck it up; but, it fucked up anyway! In my heart I felt I was doing the right thing. As a reminder to all you reading this, it was Jess's 40th birthday party. He was throwing a sit-down dinner for approx. 12- 14 friends. (Of course, for those not following my posts - I was not invited nor have I been spoken to by Jess since last July). Also, I have not written or emailed or texted him since last February 7th. Jess told my and his friend Mary (in early February) that had I not contacted him with emails, texts and phone messages that he would have called me by then (February) and we would have been friends by then. As fucked up as that sounds, I decided from that point forward not to contact him. Perhaps my silence would bring about our friendship or renewed friendship or renewed communication. So, fast-forward to his party. I made arrangements (Mary clued me in on where his party was being held) to have an appetizer (something new and unique) prepared for all as well as three bottles of champagne and 4 smaller bottles of non-alcoholic sparkling drinks brought to the table without fanfare, hoopla or invasion of Jeff's party. This wasn't about me. The owner was supposed to tell him that this was from a friend who preferred to remain anonymous. I felt that was the least intrusive and "under the radar" way of doing something for the man who I cherish as my friend and who I will always love; I mean, this was his 40th birthday for God sakes!
Here's the blowup and subsequent failure. According to Mary, the appetizer was brought out with other appetizers which were ordered by one of Jess's friends who was in attendance. I assume she was doing the ordering for the table on his behalf. The result was MY appetizer was lost in the shuffle and grouped in with hers and most likely considered part of her order. Next, Mary didn't even see the champagne on the table and texted me to tell me that. I freaked and called the restaurant owner who assured me that they already ate the appetizer and completely finished the champagne. I felt like such a fool. For two reasons. One, because I had to call the owner (because of Mary in-sighting me about that fact that the champagne never was placed out on the table) and two, because I paid in advance over $350.00 for this "gift" arrangement and thought that I might be getting ripped off! Anyway, I asked the restaurant owner when I had him on the phone if he explained to Jess that the appetizer, champagne and sparkling drinks were a gift from a friend.  He assured me again that he didn't tell Jess downstairs in view of the others but he had seen Jess come upstairs alone for a minute and told him there. He said he said exactly what I wanted him to say - that the three things (I just mentioned) were an anonymous gift from a friend. He said Jess smiled and as he walked away, he said Jess, smiling, said, "I think I know who it is."  And that was it! Nothing mentioned by any other guest - Mary telling me that she didn't even notice all the things I got but later retracted and said it was confusing because there was so much being brought to the table - and Jess never even mentioned it to her, actually he didn't even speak with her aside from "hello" and "goodbye."  So as you can see - my gift was a complete failure. Maybe the restaurant owner lied to me and never told Jess a thing. Maybe he told Jess it was complimentary on the house. Maybe he billed Jess for it! Maybe he never even brought it all out. Why do I fucking fail all the time!!! I did this for my heart and for my love for my best friend on his 40th. But, will he ever know? I really can't catch a break! Stay tuned for more details as they occur and as I have the heart to write them!