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Saturday, May 14, 2011

My Thoughts 3 Days After Jess's Birthday Bust

It's Friday night.  Wow, so Tuesday night (Jess's Party night) was a fucking rough night for me. If you read my post from Wednesday, the very next day, I was so damn out-of-it and pretty much a mess. I thought again that I failed and thoughts of Jess and I never, ever speaking was pretty much the reality.
I thought the way the restaurant presented my gift of the exclusive appetizer which had never been on their menu (an according to the owner, never served in a NYC restaurant before), the three bottles of champagne and 4 bottles of sparkling non-alcoholic drinks was a big dud. I wasn't even sure if Jess knew any of it was from me. And Mary, Mary, Mary -- all she could do was text me and freak me out repeatedly telling me, "I don't see any of the food or champagne on the table."  That night I was nuts. Emotional, depressed, sad as hell and hopeless about Jess, again! I needed my sanity which I haven't had since last summer. I am getting tired of crying and tired of being pathetically heartsick and tired of being pathetically hopeful for Jess to reach out to me. It's been so long and I can't help but feel that my connection to Mary is making it all worse. She tells me what Jess does all day, where he goes and how he never mentions me. She even tells me when he does mention me and constantly tells me that Jess still cares about me, loves me, and he and I will be friends again. It's all killing me. The long and short of it is I have stayed clear of Mary since Tuesday night. I have to. She calls me and is worried about me. But, I need to do this, at least for now. I can't be pathetic every minute of every day. So since Tuesday night or should I say Wednesday morning, I am just a little less pathetic. Of course I think of Jess a lot - all day still actually, but I don't cry like a baby and speak to someone (Mary) about him at every chance I get. Tonight, Friday, I actually went to a local bar here in Manhattan. I called up a guy who I met at that same bar 3 weeks ago and he met me there. He introduced me to two of his buddies. We all hung out and had a lot of fun. I loved the attention and the compliments and the ability to forget Jess for a few minutes. Mary, I love you too. I am so sorry for puling back but I need to do this for a while to see if it helps me. As for Jess, I love you ever minute of every day. But even thought I spent all that money on your anonymous birthday present at the restaurant, I will continue (since February) to not pathetically call, text or write you. I love you Jess.

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