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Friday, June 24, 2011

NYC Gay Pride This Weekend. Celebrate Your Life, Who You Are, And Your Self-Esteem!

So its Pride Weekend here in NYC. For years (I've lived here all my life) I never really did much for "Pride." I guess the reason being is that it took quite a few years to realize that I was gay-and then quite a few more years to accept that fact. Nonetheless, I am gay and I am proud of who I am.

Would my life be easier if I weren't gay? Damn fucking right it would, but in life we aren't given choices to everything. For years I argued with myself over whether I was gay because I was repeatedly molested by a neighbor, over and over again, almost week after week for a period of a few years. Or was I gay because I was born this way? Most people think that you are born this way, but I honestly feel the "nurture" affect has something to do with it as well. I was only 9 years old when the molestation began. I knew nothing about sex; I didn't even know what an erection or orgasm was. My neighbor was obviously older and I knew him and he knew my family well. They trusted him and so did I. I remember feeling so disgusted and ashamed and wanting to vomit at first. It took many months and although I eventually started to like it (or some of it) I was always ashamed and new it was wrong. Wrong not because of the concept of "gay" but because the concept of sneaking and doing something "bad" with a man who I knew wasn't supposed to do that with me. I haven't told anyone about this-except perhaps a few close friends and a few people I've met online who commiserate under the guise that they don't me and I don't know them. Sort of anonymous therapy if you will. Shit, I only told my own mom and dad just 4 years ago! Without going into all the details which so many people have heard before (molestation of children seem to run in similar patterns), I will cut discussion on this short. From what I have heard, it is so common for kids between the ages that I was (9-12) to have similar experiences. What sucks about it, aside from the obvious fact that it's horrendous and dead wrong to steal the innocence of a child who has nothing on his mind other then coloring and cartoons and playing sports with his friends, is that as adults we have so many other issues that we deal with and having this added sexuality history issue is a burden that believe it or not affects ones relationships, life and yes, even self esteem. Jess knew about this, as he also had an experience as a boy (not as harrowing and specific) that has stayed with him as well.

I am so happy for all the hundreds and thousands of young people who weren't put in the same position to be forced into deciding what their sexuality was going to be. These other young people, grew up in healthy, nurturing environments and felt inherently that they were gay! That's great and that's the way it should be! I believe that these people grow into healthy, mature, well-balanced gay men and women who have no issues about their sexuality. I respect these people and even to a point - I wish I could have been like them growing up. If being gay was something in my genes and in my physical makeup then that would be fine. But I'll never know fully-for me was it nature or nurture?

Anyway, enough of that. Pride is this weekend and the point of this post is to say that yes I am proud of myself and who I am. Although I am not the "gay party animal" that so many are, I hope to enjoy myself and celebrate in my own way. Marco #1 wants me to go to some huge party at a local club-I probably won't do that but instead I think I will go back to my sleaze bar which is right in the heart of Chelsea, the gay mecca. It should be fun tonight. I've already texted a few guys who I have met there and one at least will meet me there. Tomorrow is my night with Ekrem. I'll let you all know how this weekend goes. In the meantime, Happy Pride to everyone, whether you are in NYC, Chicago, Miami, Little Rock or Bumblefuck. Love yourself first and others will love you back. I am learning that and doing the best I can do feel that way 24/7.

Happy Pride Jess - I will always love you!

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