Today I'm Sad

I have no idea as to why I feel so sad today. Allow me to fall off my "healing wagon" and say that I think it's because I particularly miss Jess today. But I always miss Jess, so why should today be any different. I fucking miss my friend. I miss talking with him. I miss him caring about me and loving me - I miss caring about him and loving him back. I miss him so goddamn fucking much. I think I am angry today. Why Jess did you have to do this to me? I loved you so much and you told me that you loved me back. You were my best friend and friends don't ever do this to one another. I'm angry Jess. Damn you Jess! I miss you so much and knowing I'll never hear from you or see you ever again in my life not only scares the hell out of me but also makes my heart ache. I'd say I'm sorry a million times to you if only I had the chance to see or speak with you, even if I don't know what I did to make you hate me so much. Jess, I am fucking angry at you. How could you ever do this to me? It's me Jess, we were friends, lovers, confidants. Nothing should ever make a person hate and despise another person as you hate and despise me. Jess, how can you do this, how could you do this?

I should feel better then I do. Marco #1 and I have become good friends. I guess you'd call it "fuck buddies", although we play (when I feel like it; he always does) when I get the itch... but, I keep it light; I guess (again) that's my style. So maybe I shouldn't call it "fuck buddies", since that is misleading. Okay, I'll call it "play mates". Ekrem, my new young buddy, texts me all the time. He is so fucking cute and sexy but he is new and new is not the same as, well, "used to" and "comfortable" and "established".  I think new is very exciting and great for lust and fun but the other alternative of "used to, and comfortable, and established" is what love and contentment and true happiness is about-at least for me, or at least for me, right now! I spoke with Ekram last night and then we had a one hour Skype conversation which kicked off at 11:00PM. He and I will spend Saturday night together; he has asked me to spend the night but knowing me, I most likely won't. Marco #1 (and whoever else joins us) has been asking me to commit to time with him this weekend. I have a hard time doing that as well but most likely will spend Friday night and Sunday with him (as well as probably with some of his friends). It's Pride Weekend here in NYC and well, I wanted to head to the sleazy bar myself sometime this weekend for some self-esteem backup and ego boosting. Maybe I will go there tonight. I should be happy because I am busy as hell. But I guess one never forgets the issues and circumstances that are etched in our mind. I still miss Jess.

I'm sorry to my blog readers for my sadness today. It's rainy and damp and gloomy in NYC and it's real easy for me to, well, crash and burn. I promise to clean up, compose myself and move forward.