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Friday, September 16, 2011

Having Mixed Feelings Again

Getting ready to go to sleep. It's 1:00 A.M. and spent a few hours with a friend tonight who had come over to watch 7 Pounds (I think that's the name of the movie) with Will Smith. Pretty sad, although I think I've seen it before. Life is strange; sometimes a quick turn of events can change everything as it did for Will Smiths character in the film. Reading a lousy text message while driving caused a devastating and horrendous accident that killed his wife and everyone else in the minivan he collided with. Wow, what a fucking shame. I can see that happening! I have also heard stories of it happening as well - often actually. Anyway, I am not writing this post tonight to give you all a movie review. Life is so damn fragile and all of us are fragile to begin with. I know I am.

I met a guy on the internet about a month ago. A real sweetheart of a man. He is 36 years old and lives in NY State, a few hours north of midtown Manhattan. There was something different about him. First off, let me say that we cammed and I found him to be very good-looking, but not really in the classic kind of way. His body is athletic and built but not ripped or overly developed. He looked athletic and in great shape... period! We began to develop an online friendship at first. He opened up and that led me to feel comfortable and do the same in return. He told me he was married and had been thinking about guys. That's all he said about it and I didn't really care or need to know more. Long story short, after weeks of speaking to him online (Skype), I got to know him in a way that he and I both never thought would happen. In time he told me his full name, even his phone number and just the other day we became Facebook friends. I even know where he works and just recently he's told me that he has a few very young children. But with all that he has told me that he isn't happy. He feels he is gay and is on the verge of telling his wife and is ready (sort-of) to face losing her, his family and his brand new home. In other words... lose the life he has know for a very long time. He is scared and of course, as his friend, I want to be so supportive of him. I've told him that many times. I feel like I am the only person who knows how he feels and who he really is. This is all about him and all I can do at this point is not get in the way, to be his friend, and be there for him when he wants to talk about this or anything. I really don't want to tell him what to do or how to do it; it's his life and I don't want to interfere.

Long story short; this is not about me. But I care about him. But I also don't want to get hurt in the mix of all this. I always seem to get sucked in and then yanked around before I get tossed out. I'm keeping a level head for him and trying to talk to him about not making any rash quick decisions based on spur of the moment emotions and frustrations. That's all I can do.  Any suggestion?

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