The day-to-day trials and tribulations of a bi, but most likely gay man living in New York City, dealing with acceptance, relationships, coming-out and life in both the straight and gay worlds. It can be an exhausting existence with lots of challenges, frustration and even isolation. Some days I'm happy, some days I'm sad. Join me in my quest for happiness and the ultimate goal to scratch My Big Itch.
MY STAT COUNTER
Search This Blog
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
I Can't Compete With Cam4
Holy crap!! I haven't written a blog entry since a week ago Monday. I know that it's been quite a while, because so many times I keep telling myself to sit down at the computer and write - and each time I keep avoiding it. Well, now I need to do this. Today was a big day for me. I've been having pretty bad stomach, intestinal, blah-blah etc. issues. My doctor said I needed to have both an endoscopy (down my mouth into my stomach and beyond) and a colonoscopy (up my arse into my stomach and beyond). Nice huh? So after 36 hours of laxative hell and fasting, I had the double whammy done today. Glad it's over with. I was put to sleep by an anesthesiologist who used Propofol, the same drug that Michael Jackson used that apparently killed him. It worked pretty damn good for me. I'll have results in a week but I'm sure I'll be fine. This way I can still continue with all sorts of other fun things my doctor can do to poke and prod my butt. I just realized... how appropriate are the words "holy crap" that I started today's post with??
Moving along... what the hell is all the fuss with Cam4? Okay so I have also gone there and checked it out. Sure it's hot. Sure we all like seeing regular but hot guys (and girls) doing things to themselves on camera that we other non theatrical mortals do to ourselves behind locked doors with the shades drawn tight. But I have three friends right now; okay they are all virtual friends who I speak with on Skype and on the phone but nonetheless, they are all friends that I have not yet met. One I really like, another I really liked and the third, I really haven't spoken to more than once. Will I ever meet any of them? Well, the one guy I'm really getting attached to is the guy that I have written about who is married with kids and lives in Upstate New York. His name is Jake...remember? Another is a guy who I met from Cam4 who I talked with regularly on the phone, multiple times a day, for over a month until it all went kablooey! I really liked him and he only lived about an hour south of me. He and I got really close or as close as two guys can on the phone. Although he is gay (and boy is he ever gay; you outta see him in action on Cam4) he is closeted and lives a "Jersey Shore, Guido kinda life. He lives with his brother and no one, according to him, knows a thing about him. So he and I got really close but damn Cam4 got in the way. We haven't spoken in a week. Okay, so that's the second guy. The third and last guy is a kid who I really don't know. I think he's in his early 20's and we've only had one conversation on Skype. So I really don't know him and couldn't care less if he cams 24/7 on Cam4!! But, and I say this with a lot of emphasis, but, my married friend, Jake, well he is wearing me out. He is the guy who I like (as a friend) and he is the guy who wants to come out to his wife. Well, he finally told his wife and she laughed. But he says she laughed only because that's her way of dealing with the grief and the loss of a husband. But here is my problem. What the fuck is everyone's problem that causes them to love the attention on Cam4 and put on shows and have strange guys tell them how hot they are and exchange Skype contact names and all that and I can't even get my Jake friend to give me 3 minutes to say hello on the phone. He did initiate a friend request on my Face Book page (yes we are Face Book friends) and he did initiate Word Scrabble on my iPhone, and he does text me to see how I am but the dude is always telling me how busy he is and that he and I will talk soon on the phone. Fine, but how then can he justify getting on Cam4 and wanking off with 100 or 200 strange guys for an hour and not have time for a friend, a virtual friend. Yikes, am I sounding needy? Am I being fucking ridiculous? Fuck, am I craving attention and affection again. Am I starting to really like this guy? Well, if you all have a clear head and can figure this out then here goes; Yes, yes, yes, yes and yes. I am seeing a pattern in me. Do I like those who like me but who give me a hard time? Do I like those who aren't so available to me? Do I like those are aren't as interested in me as I am in them? Do I like those who play hard to get? Am I fucked up? Here I go again, follow this, it's easy: yes, yes, yes and yes!
I'll write more tomorrow. My brain is fried and so is my body. It was a tough day but I'm glad it's over with. Good night everyone!